I have been following this forums for some months now and it has gotten to a point where I am willing to listen to any and all advice that can same my M.
Just for a little background My W and I have been together almost 12 years, 7 of which as H and W. We were originally high school sweethearts that found each other 6 years later and got together. During those 6 years she was in an abusive R and never really resolved the issues stemming from that time. Last year we moved across the country and everything seemed fine, we were both excited about our new surroundings even if they were far away from our family and old friends. About a year or so again she starting having issues with Anxiety and Depression and told me that feelings/thoughts from her past were coming up. She started seeing a therapist and was put on medication. A few months later is when the real cracks started to appear. I heard things such as: " I am not happy" "I do not know who I am". " I need to find myself". She started reading a lot of feminist literature about strong women that do not need men.
Shortly before Christmas 2017, I heard " I do not love you the way you love me". I asked her if she was leaving me and there was a long pause. but eventually she said no, " I just need space". Naturally not knowing what to do I proceeded to do a lot of the wrong things that we all do when not knowing any better. Fast forward to March 2018 and the bomb was dropped... ILYBINILWY. I was weak and did the begging and crying thing and promised that I would give her "space", without really knowing what that meant. I tired all sorts of things to change my situation eventually picking up a copy of DB. I was able to correct a lot of things, but did not have the ability to maintain those changes. Frustration set in and in times of weakness I put pressure on her, but asking too many questions, doing nice things and telling how much I love her all the time.
This brings me to ~5 weeks ago. It was a normal day, we hugged and kissed goodbye in the morning and both said I love you. We exchanged texts which also included I love you. Little did I know, while I was at work that day she was moving all of her personal belongings out of the house. She asked when I was coming home so I told her at around 5pm, walked right into the ambush. The marriage was over, she was moving out and had already consulted an attorney. (But she said she hopes we can still be friends)
From having read the DB book and some of the forums here, I knew not to plead or fight for the marriage even though I really wanted to. I did make a small remark about realizing certain things too late and that change was afoot, but I knew she was not listening. We talked about the next steps (legal proceedings) and that was about it.
Since then I have been in No Contact or LRT, she has asked via text of course how I am and some recent medical procedures and even told me that she still really does care about me. Knowing better I did not respond to those texts. We do have a dog that we have kind of been trading off every 2-3 weeks so I only respond to logistical matters related to the dog but nothing else. During that time I have been working on GAL and starting multiple hobbies and joining some clubs. I was doing my best to take advantage of the gift of time.
Last night was the first time in ~5 weeks that we have seen each other face to face when she came to pick up the dog. She looked exhausted. She started some small talk about work and she burst into tears about the stress at her job and then our situation. She said that we were simply not right for each other and that she never wanted to hurt me. She said she really wanted to believe in our story, but it was not as how it was in her head. She made it sound like we were never good together and that she was bascially lying to her self and to me all of these year. (I have all of the love letters she wrote me for the last 12 years and I know this not to be the case....). Being human, I reached out to her and hugged her and let her cry for 20min. I was as stoic as possible, project all the strength that I could muster not to loose my self. I showed empathy for the way she felt, but I also bit my tongue and did not argue any or her points regardless of how "false" I thought them to be. I knew better, those things are "true" because she believes them to be.
As she was leaving she said that her lawyer will be contacting me soon to start the proceedings... Is this the end? Is there anything else to do. It seems like the only thing left is to truly let go, detach and GAL that will never have her in it again. Do I stall on the D, or try to get it over with as fast a possible? I have not given up hope, yet naturally it feels hopeless.
