I'm Broken III

[HelenaJ]

Hi Nicole,
Sorry for the delayed response. Our overall daily life was good, no need for 180s really. The issue is that there are very specific instances that I can't change or take back if I wanted to. He blames me for very specific things, not our daily life in general if that makes sense. I have done 180s but mostly from the perspective of having to drop the rope and stop caring so much because, like I said, I can't change these things and his responses will tear me up if I let it. There is one thing in particular that comes to mind that is one of the reasons he gives that we cannot be together as a couple anymore and I would not agree with him on the issue even if it happened tomorrow. About 6 years or so after the OM thing, we went to another state to visit my sister. We went to an early dinner with my sister and her husband at a Mexican restaurant to meet the couple that she stayed with when she first moved there, her and her husband have known them for years but I've never met them. Our kiddos got cranky and needed to go back to the house and I asked if he'd be ok with me staying to visit and have one more drink. He was LIVID with me and said "you promised you'd never go out without me again. Are you seriously doing this right now?" I just could not see his perspective, I still can't. I did not "go out", WE went to dinner and it was still early evening (still light out) and no one else was sitting outside. He's also known both my sister and her husband for as long as he's known me and in that moment I felt like if I let this happen, I would forever be hostage to whatever he deemed as something I would or would not be allowed to do so I stayed. He told me I ruined our vacation and that is one of the things that, in his mind, is the reason we can never be together again. How do you 180 something like that? I made a choice that felt right to ME. And I will pay for it for the rest of my life. That's how things work in my M. Things are great until I disagree. Then he tells me I'm selfish, I think I can do whatever I want, I'm delusional, etc.
It's interesting because I've come to realize that because we think so differently and because of the way he responds when he's angry or upset with me, I do not trust him. I do not trust what he says or even what he does. His reactions, in my opinion, are so over the top that it's been difficult for me to love him with my entire heart. Don't get me wrong-I love him, don't want a divorce and would be mostly happy to keep our family together forever. There are things I can't think about though in order to be with him because I can't reconcile them with love in my mind. And because the issues I've had in the past (his drinking and porn use) are both things he's been willing to let me walk away over, there is a part of my heart I guess that's always been off limits to him. Because he's so judgmental, I've always known that he's not my softest place to fall. He's not my biggest fan. He's not my best friend. I feel like he plays head games with me by ignoring me or acting indifferent or uninterested or using my actions/behaviors as the reason something else happened so it can be my fault. And so I don't trust him but I accepted who he is and loved him anyway and decided that although the things I have problems with in our marriage hurt me deeply they were ultimately not things I was willing to divorce and break up my family over and so I would have to learn to live with it the best I could. The problem is that it wasn't a decision I just made one day or a clear cut path, it was more just a slow acceptance....with a good dose of resentment....and in the course of our R, I haven't always handled our differences in the best way (i.e. my major mistake with OM 15 years ago). On most days, I forgive myself for that. Mostly because I know what was in my heart during that time. I wish with every fiber of my being that I would have handled it differently but I didn't. I was foolish and that is a mistake I will live with. On most days, I have accepted that. As for the rest of whatever my H says are reasons we can't ever be a couple again, it's just BS. Truly. I'm sorry to seem insensitive and call it BS, but what else do you call things that are said OVER AND OVER but aren't TRUE?

Our most recent conversation (over text of course) was that I reached out to him to tell him that when I had brunch the other day with an ex coworker (female) that an hour went by and we were like oh my gosh, we need to go get our food or brunch will be over!! I told him that I couldn't help but think of the night of my company party and how quickly time can go by when you're passionate about your work and given that I was too drunk to be aware of my surroundings that night or notice that my husband WASN'T outside smoking with the other husband like I thought he was....I just wanted him to know that he was making such a mistake to end our M over it. His response was "That is not why." Nothing else. I said well at the end of the day, you made the decision you did and you told me what you wanted me to know about that and if you cared that there might be misunderstandings or things left unresolved, you would certainly be handling things differently. He said "It was not a decision". Nothing else. I said that, again, his lack of concern with the state of things between us and the direction it continues to go is mind boggling. He then said a little more, one of the statements he made was "It was a realization. And everything you have said and done since then has solidified and confirmed it. It's not a bad thing though. It just is what it is. I am not mad or bitter or even regretful." I said "You're not even regretful. Wow. What am I still doing here, I am so stupid." He said "There is nothing to be regretful for. From either of us." Ok you guys. Since when is he saying I have nothing to be regretful for??? WHAT? And how nice of him to arrive at the conclusion that he also has nothing to be regretful for. He's never acknowledged any mistakes in this M and now he's saying conclusively that there is nothing for him to be regretful for, regardless of how I may feel about that.

My marriage is over. I know that although parts of me still try to fight against it. That's mostly why I didn't want to answer your question Nicole, because it's too late for me to think about reconciling or 180s. I know it's done. I know. My struggle now is what to do about it.