There are tons of things i would like to do doodler. I had an idea for a way to open a small independent practice in a niche market in my field I would love to learn more about certain topics that tie into my profession. But all of that takes time and energy i dont have. Im working 2 jobs as it is. I know too many kids that come from single parents homes who have grown up with serious issues. My son is at risk. Hes adhd, gets into a lot of trouble. And my gut tells me he needs attention. Hes my only one. And i wanted him so much. So i spend spare time with him. The last few years i was running around taking him to special service stuff. I make my schedule so that i am there to drop him off to school most of the week and pick him up half of the week.
These walkaways dont understand how much their leaving affects every ones life. When 1 person has to provide the emotional and time needs of 2 parents its draining and the kid suffers. They just dont get it. How much harder it is. Instead they play the woe is me card regarding child support.
Job, i still have trauma. He left 3 years ago. But i only found out about the alcohol and most likely pill habit l.5 years ago. So its coming to terms with the fact that i was with someone that was living a double life. And everything is still speculation for me. I have no idea. Like was i merely a cover? He was probably in denial himself. I certainly was not being loved. I was demanding love. But he could not have possibly loved me. Did i love him? Its like, i dont really know what happened and i can only fit the holes in with speculations.
But how do you heal when you dont know what your healing from? So i keep going over it. On these boards, with my family, with people i meet. I am constantly saying or writing "5 years cc statements show 200 to 300 dollar a month from 3 different alcohol stores. 3 year baank statements show 700 a week plus 100 a day withdrawals from bad and out of the way atm withdrawals. We moved in with my parents for a year to save. My ex would never have done that unless he was desperate. We r both professionals. He had went to top schools. There should have been no need. He withdrew a lot from his IRA. He would not do that to hide money from me cause the penalties would be too high. He had a problem. " its just if you met him, its so not obvious.
