Divorce and Acceptance part 3

[Pax_luv]

Hi One-
Thank you for that book rec. I’ll check it out.

So, the last two days have been weird. I have been deeply affected by the senate judiciary hearing about the Supreme Court nom. I can’t stop thinking about it and what it all means for our country, society, and the scotus. I’m deeply, deeply triggered by all of it. Background- I’ve never been physically or sexually assaulted, nor am I extreme left or right wing. I’m just a woman who believes in doing right.

Anyway....

I won’t get into the details as they aren’t pertinent, but I’m personally troubled with the severe repercussions of speaking up.... especially to those with power.

In my profession, I partner with a lot of leaders and executives to lead programs and intiatives. One of my partners, whom I’ve worked with for almost a decade, was recently promoted to one of our most senior positions and his ego is on another level. It’s disgusting. He happens to be a homosexual male in his mid 50s and I’m in my mid 30s. He now looks at me like I’m this childish bimbo secretary from the 60s and treats me like sh*t. (And please note I’m only using the secretary comment to describe how out of touch he is with the workforce of today).

He’s degrading and condescending and disrespectful. I’ve shared some of the interactions and frustrations with my boss and I’ve had some difficult conversations with him, where he always turns it around on me. He is beyond disrespectful and I know this behavior is totally inappropriate in the workplace (and in society!) and his behavior reflects poorly on the company. Honestly, he reminds me of a whiny baby who has temper tantrums all day long. He scoffs and rolls his eyes all the time when I speak and is like- this [censored], this is NOT good, blah blah blah blah

Anyway, I don’t feel like I can speak up and report the behavior without it backfiring big time. My efforts up til now have backfired- he used to tell me that I had to work on the weekends to get stuff done (ps I don’t work for him, I work with him) and I told him that it is my choice whether or not I will work on the weekends and I wasn’t going to do the task he wanted... well, he brought it up in other meetings where he told our colleagues that I don’t work on the weekends. (But the way he did it was a dig). Ie- “now, now, now, we cant have pax do that because that might be extra and she won’t do it if it requires her to work on the weekend.”

I also have trouble with the way our relationship has evolved since his promotion, because it brings me back to my relationship with my ex. Where nothing I did was ever good enough. It was always- “ you missed a spot” “you can’t park right” “you’re doing it wrong” “ youre stuuuuuupid” Ughhhhhhhh. I have to be honest.... I think this has been contributing to the depression I’ve been feeling.

So... today... I was in my office listening to the senate vote while I was preparing for a meeting with him. It was really nice because he had been on vacation for two weeks, but I knew that meant he was going to be on me during the meeting so I was trying to be overly prepared. And you know what, I could barely leave my office to go upstairs and meet with him. It was like I was paralyzed. This is what i do in extreme times of stress. I freeze. I wish I was one of those fight or flight folks... but I freeze. I gave myself a pep talk, took deep breaths, chugged some coffee and ended up heading up to the meeting 7 minutes late. In that time, he called my office twice but I let it go to voicemail.

I did my meeting.... it was as expected. He’s just an arrogant baffoon. And I just sat there and did my thing, the whole time thinking about the repurcussions of speaking up. Sometimes it’s just easier to take the disrespect, condescension, and, at times, verbal abuse.

Hmmmmmmm. For a long time, I wrote it off like- oh that’s just him. He’s harmless. He’s persnickety, but that’s just because he wants it right. Then when he got the big-man title, he went off the rails! He’s literally said to me- I’m ruling with an iron fist now! Ugh. Disgusting.

Oyyyyyyy...There’s a part 2 with this dilemma that I’ll get to tomorrow. It’s 2am and I need some sleep!