I know your ex was very successful as well. But seemed more social and charming. Fits more in as a narcissist then my ex?
Huh, so I realised I hadn't answered this point you made.
And I realised because a few days ago, one of my very closest friends used the same word about XH: 'narcissist'. And it jogged my memory that you had used the very same word to describe him too.
She'd met him just once (I think), in passing. But she is a **very** sharp judge of character. She picks up on stuff super fast.
Anyway...narcissist...tbh, I don't know. I know that it might sound weird, and it might be super obvious that he was - and does it even matter at this point anyway?
I guess my perspective on people (men) is a bit skewed by the type of person my dad was (maybe he's still alive, so the type of person he is might be a more accurate way to describe him, although I don't know if he's dead or alive). He had a personality disorder which was at the extreme end of the scale. He would lie about pretty much everything and to everyone if he thought it would get him where he wanted to be: in total control of someone, in every way. Anger and rage like nothing you've seen...not like normal people's anger, more nuclear in level. He was very destructive and very, very violent. He'd use class A drugs because he was bored, and he liked to get others hooked on them as a bit of fun. I'm sure some of you will have met a similar sort of person. Count your blessings if you haven't.
Anyway, I know that I'm drawn to people with big personalities. I find it very easy to be with them, as I know what they want and need. I find it hardest to know what I want and need. Sometimes it can all be bit 'foggy' and undefined. Although if you met me, you wouldn't ever think that.
So no surprise why and how I was attracted to XH really. He had a big personality. I remember thinking at the time (and that's 20 years ago now) that he wasn't a destructive sort of person like my dad, but had more life affirming qualities about him. He did - he was very creative and a lot of fun. But I guess that was also mixed with a very deep insecurity and need for approval. And those aspects of his character ended up running away with him, probably fed by how I behaved towards myself and in our R/M. Actually, I think they would have run away with him anyway, irrespective of me being there or not, or irrespective of how I might have been/acted/behaved, as he was on that path already...it was a part of his character.
I think what I like in people in general - men and women - is people with presence. Presence can be lots of things though: physical size, loudness of voice, charisma, drive and determination, authority. I think what I'm drawn to now though (especially in a partner) is focus and stillness as a type of presence.
Anyway, I don't know if any of this makes any sense, or how it's connected to narcissism. I feel like I've travelled a long way from who I was and how I was when I was with my XH and when I was M. And when I think, it wasn't that long ago in terms of time, but it feels like a lifetime ago as well.
I guess one thing I could do to carry on along this path of self discovery and self improvement is look at the qualities that I'm drawn to in other people and try and nurture them in myself. I mean, what exactly is charisma? Plenty to think about there for starters...
