had a pretty big step backwards this week. dropping kids off with her Monday night at her place, was waiting for her to get home. she had told me the night before that it was ok to do so.
she gets home and loses it on me. she got passed up by the owner of her restaurant for a bartending job that went to some new girl. and she is crying and screaming about how they only chose her because she had a bigger bra size. how her job was the last place where she felt like she belonged, and how it was where she went to get away and now everything was wrong and she had to quit.
She goes on and on about how no one cares about how she feels. everyone just wants something from her, me included etc etc. That I forced her to take kids that night and she never gets alone time. she goes into how terrible I was in the marriage and how I deserve everything I'm going through. how I'm not a man. that a man takes what he wants but treats his woman with respect. How there's so many other guys out there that will give her exactly what she wants. and some other stuff that I don't really remember. But it just kept coming, on and on, she just beat me down. I basically just listened not really sure how to react. I did not want to validate, because most of the things I felt like where hysteria.
I am aware that I am supposed to be detached and not believe anything she says, and I tried, but that combined with everything else in my life, the depression, taking the kids on alone every night, my daughter struggling in school, her being involved with OM, debt, basically felt like my whole life fell apart. I felt like I had no control over anything. I ended up getting really suicidal and having to go to the emergency department, where I spent 48 hours on a psych ward.
I never really thought I was the type of person that this sort of thing would happen too. My whole family found out, they called her family and called her. She came over crying on Thursday morning but I just had nothing left for her. I didn't want it to seem like the suicidal thoughts where to guilt her into coming back.
So here I am now, back at work. Trying to focus on myself. I have an apt with a new therapist next week and I'm starting some new anti depressants today. Thoughts of hopelessness still come and go. As do thoughts of her and the life we are leaving behind. Hard to see past all of this. But my family is being super supportive. My mom has been helping with the kids a lot the pass few days, so I am grateful. I just hate that I had to put all of this on them.
Praying to get through this. Thank you all for being another voice of support.
M: 29 W: 28 D: 8 S:1 M: 10 T: 11 BD1: 8//15 (physically separate) Back together: 4/16 BD2: 3/18, physically separate 6/18) Here we are again.
