ED, thank you! I have definitely let him back very easily in the past. I dont think he is trying to come back right now honestly, but I do think he wants me to WANT him to and give him more in my responses and im not. Im not reciprocating his feelings. For the first time ever I asked if we could sit on this and I could have time. Not time to decide anything, because he isnt saying "I want to work on our marriage". But just time for me to sit with all the things he just said and keep moving forward.
He has OW, I know this. And I know he wants time to nurture that and keep me as his plan B. That is what he is trying to do. And I am hoping that by me saying "Im letting you go." and that I want to time to think about myself, that he sees im now doing this for me.
he responded saying "I need time too"....OKKKKK. Of course you do. Cake eating. I will stay the course, but it does feel good to have him saying he isnt ready to move on from me and he isnt over me. Im sure it could be a lie, but it felt nice in the moment.
I have no doubt he is feeling that. My W said some things like that too during her obstinate period. Remember he is on a roller-coaster of emotions too. So he will have legitimate feelings that he misses you and "us" as in you both as a couple. But you are right, until he is fully committed, you can't put much stock into those feelings and certainly not in his statements.
STay strong! You are doing great.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
kech, this is frustrating to read. You are getting so much good advice from so many posters. Maybe more than anyone one this board right now. I am not sure you are taking it and not sure you are sharing everything in your sitch. You asked the group how to respond, and before reading all the answers and giving yourself TIME to think (as in several hours or a day at least) you engaged in a conversation, and then come back and ask for advice again. I honestly don't get it. I know this is terribly hard, but then why ask for advice? You can vent here, but you do not have to ask for advice if you are going to do what you are going to do anyways. I am not trying to be rude, but I mean that.
As Steve said, this is a critical time. He was finally starting to get an inkling that you were slipping, and BAM, you took the bait immediately. I do not think you should have responded to ANY of this texts. He doesn't deserve it! He left his W and his new baby for an A. And this was all after having an A while you were pregnant! I could care less if he thinks you are ignoring him, or he thinks you are being cold, or he is worried you are slipping away, etc. HE IS WAYWARD AND HIS PROCESS IS HIS OWN RIGHT NOW. You gotta rise above his BS games right now and take care of your very fragile emotional self. And that means time and space. IGNORE THE CRUMBS. If he continues to text you or press you on and on, then it is reasonable to say "I need some time right now. Let's only communicate about her schedule and urgent matters. Thanks for understanding" And if you have an email with a schedule, he doesn't need to text you at all. You are too good for these games!
Quote
Not time to decide anything, because he isnt saying "I want to work on our marriage"
WRONG. WRONG. WRONG. He can say that all he wants. He can say that today, he might actually, and it doesn't mean anything! Consistent ACTIONS over TIME. That is it. This includes remorse, vulnerability, transparency, honesty, and him putting YOUR needs first. He is just throwing crumbs, and by even responding to his text, you took the bait. I see this as a backslide. Sorry, but I do.
So it's time to dust yourself off and start over. We all have backslides and struggle. We just keep getting back on the horse. I could tell you a million of my own stories. Including similar ones to this. I know you can do better than this. I believe in you. And I actually disagree with your IC, I see a lot of hope in your sitch.
PATIENCE. TIME.
Blu
“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
Just slow down kech. Like the others said. He is temp checking you hard. Trying to bait you in to a R talk so he can feel better. He will not give you anything you want after that though.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
I wouldn't say one word...he knows that something is up. Just let him stew. Unless the texts are important or about your child/bills, you do not need to respond to every text he sends. Also, I would consider waiting a while before responding to his texts. If he asks what took you so long to respond, say "I have been busy".
When in doubt, do absolutely nothing.
This is stellar advise. This is how you respond. If you do not understand why, please ask questions so we can clarify.
Last edited by Cadet; 09/28/1807:25 PM. Reason: combine posts
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
