Things didn't go to plan this weekend unfortunately. My hope of 2x in one week was a little optimistic I guess. Next Friday she is going to her Mum’s for the week so I’m in for a longish wait ‘till next time although it gives me a chance to read some more of PM and SSM and recharge myself. I asked her to give me her honest opinion of this once-a-week arrangement and she said, “It’s OK I suppose” which I took to mean, “It’s great! I love it!” I took some time to think about the “p” word (pressure) because it reared it’s ugly head again. I came to the conclusion that what I am giving her (demonstrating my love by shows of affection and desire to ML) surely can’t be the pressure she’s claiming and that the actual pressure is entirely inside her head. I mean, it is not as if I am forcing myself on her or anything like that. I have decided not to hold back (as I have been) if I feel the desire to hug her but to give the hug and let her deal with her own “pressure” demons. Does anyone have any ideas how I might be able to guide her to confront her pressure (given that she won’t read the books etc.)? SD
Quote: Does anyone have any ideas how I might be able to guide her to confront her pressure (given that she won’t read the books etc.)?
I'd be interested in hearing answers to this question, too. As you know, my W can see/feel pressure in the most mundane action/word. I've finally given up worrying about pressure, and have decided that it's her problem, not mine. I don't think you can solve this one for them.
Hairdog - enjoying the last few days before his vacation.
hd, They've got it into their heads that our love is some sort of mental torture to fight against. I'm trying to conceive a way to put some pressure on her to solve the "pressure". It's no fun holding back affection and it doesn't work anyway. I tried to explain about "The Hug" but I regret mentioning it because now she thinks I'm counting she's as rigid as a concrete post! I only got to 1 Missisip... Anger is the most interesting emotion to watch in our house because I've managed to lose all mine but she's still arguing for England. The kids never seem to do anything right. Homework, bedtime, mealtimes. They're always doing something wrong in W's eyes but I don't get at them or her anymore. In the middle of a fight they all look to me as if to say "Well, what are you waiting for, wade in" but I don't. It's leaving W horribly exposed as the spoil sport. It's got to have an effect sooner or later. SD
Quote: I'm trying to conceive a way to put some pressure on her to solve the "pressure".
This made me laugh, but I'm not sure that's what you intended to do. Putting pressure on her to solve the pressure is kind of like bombing the enemy to end the war. Of course, it worked against Japan in WWII, but look at the destruction.
Hairdog - whose W just called to ask why I don't throw the corks for the wine bottles in the trash.
"Pressure" is the emotion standing in the way of all efforts to move forward. Even talking about "hugging until relaxed" is pressure let alone doing it. The next time she uses the "P" word I'm going to ask her to precisely describe what it is about my love that is pressure and then suggest that it is a figment of her own imagination and nothing to do with my behaviour. SD who's under immense pressure to finish building the patio - but it doesn't put him off love making!
I know that you have been tempted to "just lay back and relax and think of The empire" on your Feriday nights. I bet she would go ballistic with that piece of advice.
It has to be in her own head. It is true that we control what is happening to us. I personally would not stop with the letting her know that you love her and keep showing that you love her.
Quote: Does anyone have any ideas how I might be able to guide her to confront her pressure (given that she won’t read the books etc.)?
SD, I wish I had some good advice for you. What worked for me was the realization through Michele's book, TSSM, and Willard Harley's book, His Needs, Her Needs, that sex was more than a physical desire or itch for my husband, that it was an emotional need and the way he felt and expressed love most. In other words, that the most effective way I can say "I love you" and show him that I love him is to let him know that I find him very desirable (and I definitely do) and to make love with him often (he now has complete control over the frequency of ML in our marriage, which means that I'll never turn him down again and that I'll initiate, which he likes, but there's no pressure there).
I also finally understood that turning him down (usually for mundane reasons like tiredness, busyness, etc.; sometimes because I was angry or irritated with him) hurt him. I thought about how I would have felt if he'd turned away from me or stood there like a tree when I came up to him to hug him.
Lately, I've been reading two books by Patricia Love (she wrote the forward to TSSM and her books are recommended by Michele), Hot Monogamy and The Truth About Love. In Hot Monogamy, Love writes:
Quote: If you want to create ongoing romance, find out what says "I love you" to your partner and do it. This is not as simple as it sounds. We have a natural tendency to show love the way we want to be loved. We want to believe that my preferences are your preferences, my desires are your desires. This is rarely the case. One person's idea of romance may be hiking together through the Sierra Nevadas; another person's may be sharing a two-hour spending spree at Tiffany's. In order to create romance, these two individuals have to tailor their expressions of love to each other's sensibilities. If the person who likes expensive jewelry gives a pair of diamond cuff links to the partner who lives in jeans and hiking boots, the unspoken message is not "I love you" but, "I wish you were more like me." To be a true romantic, you have to see the world through your partner's eyes. Love, Patricia. Hot Monogamy. New York: Penguin Putnam, Inc., 1994. pp. 180-181
KNOWING now that sex is what says "I love you" most to my husband (other things say "I love you", too, but they can't make up for sex), I can't turn him down without facing the fact that it would be the same as telling him that I don't love him, that he's not important to me, that my love for him isn't consistent but is conditional according to how I feel, etc. Now when I ML with him, I see that I'm saying "I love you" to him in a way that means far more to him than the words, gifts, hugs, etc.
One other factor for me is that 10 years ago, I was baptized as a Christian (like the author Boris Pasternak, I lost my faith in atheism). It was a long and hard journey to get there, and I'm not a barcode Christian (meaning the type who sees "being saved" as the equivalent of having a barcode stamp to get into heaven but allows them to carry on their lives without any changes). It's a daily struggle trying to live as I should, especially the "love your neighbor", "do unto others as you would have them do unto you", "love your enemy", etc. Mature Christians explained that "love" isn't a feeling, it's an action verb. And, what kind of Christian could claim that she was "loving" others, especially enemies and strangers, when she wasn't even "loving" her husband as she should.
I'm not sure what you can do to guide your wife. Have you ever had a heart-to-heart talk with your wife about what ML with her means to you and how you feel when she turns you down? Would she be open to reading a book like His Needs, Her Needs? My husband, who's an engineer and puts very little stock in relationship books, was willing to read that book when I said I wanted to know what his top emotional needs were and what I could do to meet them. If she reads the entire book, perhaps she'd understand the importance of sex as an emotional need for most men (this book apparently helped my husband understand the importance of affection for most women because he's gone out of his way to be more affectionate with hugs, ILYs, flowers, etc.)
Even if you're on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there. Will Rogers
To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly be broken. C. S. Lewis
eo, Thanks for your help but you are so different from my W. You actually want to improve your situation whereas mine seems to be waiting for it all to blow over so she can get on with her "normal" celibate life. She has absolutely no desire to please me at all and never really has. Reading your posts makes me realise that I am working towards an impossible goal - you are warm hearted but sadly mine has a heart of stone... Unfortunately I broke my vow of not getting angry last night after she started picking on me for speaking during her favourite soap (which was on for a total of one and a half hours). I said no more than a couple of sentences about the plot and I chuckled during the closing scene. She went mad at me and I reacted by telling her to get a grip on reality and a few other home truths. The atmosphere was frosty from then on and neither of us apologised (she never does anyway because she always has to "win" arguments). I'm not sure I want to ML with this woman anymore - she's just too cold hearted and there's just no fun in it. SD
