Thanks everyone. I had such high hopes for therapy, that just wasn’t what I expected. Not that I expect someone to tell me “don’t get divorced. Wait for him, he might change”. But I guess I just wanted to come out feeling like I was given some tools to handle the sadness I feel everyday a little better. I don’t reallg want to be told to divorce my H. Maybe I’m insane having any hope. This man is stomping on my heart daily and I’m still here just loving him and praying he can one day come out of this. Maybe it’s crazy honestly.
H and I both got to the house around the same time. I had to get ready to leave and he was coming to watch the baby. I could feel him looking at me with concern, so I don’t know if my eyes looked swollen from crying a lot today or what. And then I went to shower and when I got out I had a text from him saying, “is there something wrong?”
I didn’t respond and a little bit later I went out there to tell him the baby’s dinner was made in the fridge and she would be hungry in an hour or so. He said “you look nice!” I said thanks and walked away. Right before I left I brought him the baby monitor and said I wasn’t sure what time I’d be home but it shouldn’t be too late. He said it was fine and it didn’t matter what time. I went to say goodbye to the baby and I pretended to just see his text and I said “oh I see your text. I’m fine, thanks for asking though.” When I bent down to pick up baby and hug her and say bye, he had tears in his eyes it looked like. He told me to have a good night. I left and that was it. I had an event to go to and I had a nice night with my sister in laws. My mind was occupied the whole night of course but it was a nice break from crying honestly.
I got home and Daughter was in her crib asleep and he told me how much she ate and I grabbed her monitor and went into my room. I had my back to him and he said I’m going to head out. I said ok cya, politely. He locked the door like always and left. That was the night. The minute he left our daughter woke up of course. Which was ok with me because I needed a cuddle. I took her out of her crib and fed her in bed with me until she fell asleep on me. Just put her in her crib for the night and now I’m in bed just praying somehow SOMEHOW tomorrow can be a better day. I don’t want to feel this sad and pine for him. I’m terrified everywhere I go that I’m going to see him driving with OW or see his car somewhere and feel hurt again. I literally go out of my way to avoid places he might be because I can’t take anymore hurt. I just want to feel like myself again.
Him telling me I looked nice was nice of him but it’s also like breadcrumbs. Or maybe it was just a friendly statement bc he thinks we’re just friends now or something. And the text asking if something is wrong. I just feel like it’s all self serving in a way. He’s doing wrong things so just toss the wife a compliment and make sure she’s alright so she leaves me alone.
Mind reading I know. This was just a really really rough day and I know tomorrow will be too. Thanks everyone
