Dave, I'm not sure how far you are with PM, but one thing I think is that your W is playing you. She seems to hold all the cards, and she has the ability to lead you around by the nose. I agree with NOPkins, that was a horrible thing for her to say, and you need to call her on it. You also need to bring stuff out in the open where they can be seen in the cold light of day, such as all the love-hate stuff you two do to each other. There really is quite a lot of marital sadism going on at your house. If the two of you can call it what it is, and discuss it together, you at least stand a chance of ending it, or at least controlling it. You need to have the ability to "call her on it" when she does stuff like that, just as you should expect HER to "call YOU on it" when you do things to her. But these mind-games the two of you play with each other will need to stop at some point.
Not to mention the mind-games YOU play on yourself. You really need to get real with yourself soon. You need to look inside yourself and examine what it is that really makes you tick, and exactly WHO you ARE, and get settled with that, then present that self to your W. At that point, you'll have some sand to draw a line in.
