Quote: The children made a comment about it but sat down in their new places but when W came in there was he!! to pay!
So that just showed you (very graphically) what you probably knew already - that your W is highly fused. You probably are as well... we choose partners at the same level of differentiation, because otherwise the relationship tends to break up early, but you've probably been growing some recently, so you're probably marginally more differentiated at the moment. Just the fact that you would try this experiment shows this. The point he was making about places at the table is that some people need this level of formality to let them feel they know who they are. If daddy always has to sit at the head of the table, it may be because that's how he feels he's head of the household. In our house we also have "assigned seating". I sit where I do due to "executive priviledge" - because I like to have the window at my back so as not to have the sun in my face. W sits to my right, because that's where she's closest to the kitchen. The boys are to my left and DD20 is across from me. It's been this way since we moved in, but everyone chose their own seat, and having our own seat just makes it easier somehow. Dunno what that says about us... probably that we're pretty well fused ourselves.
I just realized last evening that I always have a hard time self-soothing around DD20 when she's agitated. I often get infected by her anxiety. I'll have to work on that...
