Thanks everyone. I think I really felt like I had somehow been through the worst of it and that it would start getting easier. Or I fooled myself into thinking once I made him leave the house, he would fall apart and come back, like he always has. I guess I didnt take into consideration him really having OW and him EVER being willing to 100% put me on the backburner. This is a really harsh reality and boy am I facing it.

I just had a cry session. I swear it feels like i'll never stop. I dont know why such a huge part of me just wants him to see me sad so he can see what he has done. But I guess you guys have said that would not be helpful for my sitch. I think sometimes I just get worried that since I act upbeat, he will really think im just fine. And that makes this easier for him in a way. "Oh, shes fine. Shes living her life. So im good having another OW because she isnt even hurting and I dont feel bad about it."

Is that not a logical way of thinking? I know I want him to see me as strong, confident, GAL, bc that is attractive to men, aside from just being good for myself. I know I would want us to rebuild a new relationship and our old one is dead and gone. But I just wish I had spoken up a few weeks ago when he said he was so sorry for all of this and he sees all these changes in me and it hurts his feelings and he wishes he had handled everything differently, etc. I wish I had said to him, this is what you wanted and I am letting you go....instead I said we were doing the best we can for the baby. WHich I think is fine to say. But I just wish so many things.

I know its better to show with my actions than tell with my words anyways, but I swear I take back ever not wanting him to be angry like he was a week ago. I thought that was the WORST. Now he seems okay and I take it back. THIS IS THE WORST. Im starting to forget what kissing him is even like. I feel like hes just completely falling out of my grasp in everyway. I mean this is some real heartbreaking sh*t, i just never knew this could feel this bad.

I keep feeling like I have no power. Like I had it a while ago and I didnt do the right things fast enough and now ive lost it. I need reassurance in myself that im going to still have a great life, im going to be a great mom still, I am 31 and have a lot going for me. A college degree, im a homeowner, a mom, I have a good career, I have an AMAZING family, I have AMAZING friends. I am keeping SO much bundled up inside I am just falling apart at the seams. I used to feel like wow he will regret this so much. But now, with OW involved, I dont know anything about her. She could be amazing and he could see that and feel like she is who he wants to spend his life with. The FIRST OW, I didnt feel any competition towards. This one, not knowing anything about her, knowing hes spending so much time with her, she seems like a free spirit, which is just SO up his alley. I just feel like I cant compete for some reason. I just bring REAL LIFE to his world, and she brings fun, carefree, love life type of energy.

I have worked for my boss now since I graduated college, so its been 9 years. When my H and I started having problems, I had to tell my boss a little bc I needed a few days off work. We went to lunch one day, and he watched me cry and he talked to me and he said to me, "You know, H married up with you. You know that dont you? He married up, and he knows it. And now its too much for him."
And sometimes I am afraid that is how my husband feels. Its like he all of a sudden convinced himself that I want the white picket fence, and the 3 kids, and the cookie cutter life and he doesnt so he needs to get out. He has made comments like that before and I tell him THATS NOT TRUE. I want YOU!. I want us. We could live ANYWHERE as long as we were together thats all I would care about. But he has himself convinced otherwise. All I bring to his life is a house with bills, responsibilities, plans, things he has decided he no longer wants for some reason. And when I say to him "you have decided you want a different life, you should have it" he says to me thats not true.

I feel very stuck. I feel like my H has rewritten history for a year now and it has all become true in his mind and NOTHING will change that. I wish I could keep those thoughts of confidence of how much I have to offer and what a good catch I am and he will see that and he will come back, but all those thoughts go out the window when I think of OW and the similarities they have and what he sees in her that he couldnt find in me anymore and just the complete freedom of it all for him now that his nagging wife it out of the picture.