Here is my guide to get through this. The things I'm focusing on:
GET A LIFE. This is the healthiest thing I can do. It will occupy my time, so that I'm not thinking about the situation all of the time. It will also make things easier for me in the likelihood that the divorce happens.
DETACH. Ignore what she is saying or doing. Do not believe anything she says or does. She will speak in absolute negatives because she is hurting and scared. Don't contact her so much. Avoid social media. Don't initiate serious discussions. Always keep conversations short, light, and fun. Say goodbye first. Never have negative interactions.
BE ATTRACTIVE. Work to make myself as attractive as possible. Get my self-confidence and swagger back. Always be my best. Always look my best. Always stay positive and upbeat. Always remain humble, kind, and confident. Do this through my actions and attitude consistently.
IMPROVE. Thank God for this time to work on making positive changes for myself. Take advantage of it (180). The thing I need to improve the most is my listening skills. More than anything, a wife wants to feel she is being heard. Hear what she is saying. Lean in and listen. Make eye contact. Don't interrupt. Be curious. Care about what she is saying. Focus on her. Validate her feelings about the marriage.
BE PATIENT. She is not in a good spot right now. Forgive the painful things she will say or do. It generally takes 4-6 months to turn things around.
LET HER GO. This is rooted in love and hope. Give her the space she needs to figure things out. Give her time to get out of the "everything is his fault" fog. Give me time to get out of the "everything is my fault" fog.
DON'T PLEAD. Saying I've changed isn't going to change her mind. She doesn't trust me.
DON'T BEG. It will turn her off completely, and it's pathetic. Do not appear desperate or needy.
TAKE RESPONSIBILITY. Be honest with myself. I have caused her pain through my actions. Make changes to improve myself.
DON'T BE A PUSHOVER. Don't be afraid of her. Don't give her too much power. Start working on my husbandly leadership.
STAY MENTALLY STRONG. There will be ups and downs. Anticipate depression & hopelessness.
HAVE A PLAN TO BETTER MYSELF. My goals are:
1) Strengthen my relationship with God--above all else. Become more passionate about my faith. God wants me to draw closer to Him. I have heard that loud and clear throughout this time. STEPS TAKEN: Reading the Bible and other Christian resources. Joined a serving Life Group. Joined a Christian fellowship at work.
2) Become a better mate. Learn to become a humble and servant leader and more self-reliant (not "a third child"). Do the little things to keep connectedness. My wife is my most important job. I need to learn how to listen to her properly. I need to study her, know what makes her tick, what her concerns are, what things I need to do to keep the connectedness. STEPS TAKEN: Reading self-improvement books.
3) Become a better father. Ensure that my girls get 100% of my attention when I'm with them, that I'm 100% invested in them. I've always been a great father, but with the stresses we've had this year my girls have not gotten 100% of my focus. STEPS TAKEN: Reading books on fathering daughters. I have become passionate about my girls again.
4) Become passionate about volunteering. STEPS TAKEN: Following #BeKind21. Serving FMSC. Serving Arc Value Village. Joined a serving Life Group. Looking for other charities on Volunteer March.
5) Get healthier--physically, mentally, and socially. STEPS TAKEN: Reuniting with family and friends. Dieting. Walking/Jogging. Doing squats, planks, situps, pushups. Lost 23 pounds since July 15th and quit chewing since August 1st. Yeah me!
