Navigating through and concentrating on myself #6

[Dtrmned]

i believe this is the beginning of the end.
W said a lot of things last night that just proves she has zero respect for me, doesn't like me and is determined to see this through.
I am totally distraught and very sad but eerily calm. Thank you all so much. I would have never made it to this place without the support here. I am not leaving and will post as this goes through. Also, I am not giving up either. As discussed many times by some great people here, my W has not had the opportunity to experience life without me. I'm sure when it happens there will be a short euphoric time for her. I wish her the best and only happiness. I also hope that sometime in the future that there may be a chance for us if the timing is right for both of us (I may have moved on by then) Weird part is that my sadness continues. I am not bitter although I still hate the situation and believe we are better together than apart. She mentioned again last night on how she was "waiting on a mediator to get back to her but she hasn't heard back" Apparently mediators in our area are so busy they can't return calls or emails for 2 weeks and have an inability to want to have a successful business. Hogwash!

I, prior to yesterday, secured my A and we are meeting this morning to begin drafting the petition. I will get it done, present it to my wife when it is ready and hopefully sign and then just the waiting period. I will treat her as fairly as I can and I know it won't be anywhere close to what she wants so this may all just blow up to full blown battling A's. What a waste. The knot in my stomach is for my kids. My W is doing all she can to break my D and I apart and make sure that she ends up hating me. On that front, the only thing I can do is support my D, be there for her and do my best as a father. I have made many mistakes on the parenting front but make no mistake, I love my kids more than anything!
My W also said I was overcompensating with my S and kissing his butt to make sure he is ok. I am coddling him a bit as he is younger, more naive and needs a decent male role model in his life. I am and will continue to be that.

My belief is my W still has no idea on how she is going to pull this off. Is delusional in what she believes she can live on and right now the only thing she wants is to get away from me. Hardest thing she said to me last night was "I am myself, I just choose not to let you see it. Everyone else does and I love being myself I just hate being around you".

I have often thought that I truly could be the problem and I own what I did wrong. My W is in full denial on anything she did or has an amazingly twisted justification for it all. Sheltered from the world, the rude awakening will be coming for her. I would love to see her thrive, be happy and successful. I have my doubts that unless she was just faking it for almost a decade, I just don't see that happening. After all of this, I still love her with all my heart and soul and for this I must let her go.

I will DB my way through this whole thing. Even though I am choosing this route it is not out of desire to D, but just the reality of the situation. I didn't bring it up, but W is not interested in a separation, and frankly neither am I. With a separation, she still has me on the hook and knows I am still there for her.

As I have read on this board many times in the past. The in home separation has done nothing but simmer, stew and make our situation untenable. IF my W would allow some fun back into our life we would have had a chance. She chose to curl in her corner.

I don't blame her either. A catastrophic calamity of circumstances that even individually would have been hard to handle. Add them all together and the recipe just spelled doom. Different times, different attitudes, better tools, all might have made a difference. But it happened in the worst possible way.

Hope is there and I believe will be there for awhile but I will not cling to that for my daily crumbs of "what might have been". She is an adult and has made her decision.

Again. PLEASE don't abandon me on here. I know I will need support, guidance and a lot of feedback as I go through this phase. My emotions have even come stronger just writing this so I will end on the note that this is just a paperwork process. It changes nothing on how I feel towards my W.