It will be a challenge just to afford the existing bills on my own so I can't refinance. There are no suitable lower cost properties in the area and it's a village. The kids already share a bedroom. I could get together 60K so I'm about 120k short. If I lose the house then I'll be forced to move away from the area and so lose 50/50 of my kids. Every moment with my kids is so precious particularly as it looks like I'm not going to be able to afford to save the home and so I'll lose them.
It will be a challenge just to afford the existing bills on my own so I can't refinance. There are no suitable lower cost properties in the area and it's a village. The kids already share a bedroom. I could get together 60K so I'm about 120k short. If I lose the house then I'll be forced to move away from the area and so lose 50/50 of my kids. Every moment with my kids is so precious particularly as it looks like I'm not going to be able to afford to save the home and so I'll lose them.
Hi David,
The confusing part for me is that you still wish for a recon with this women.
I want my family together, finances, keep my home, she's gorgeous, we are good together in the sack, I think I could forgive her, I had wanted to leave to get a break, I'm now a better me.
I can understand that she must have gone off me more than 2 years ago when one of my parents died and I was depressed so she must have made plans (secretly gave money to her parents to help buy a house that has stood empty) to leave but didn't. It then seemed to me she wasn't fully committed (I now know I was right as there was a house waiting for her to move into - she must have had that in the back of her mind all the time) and so she made me more depressed with her negativity, and so I became even less attractive. She must have felt guilty so tried to start arguments. W genuinely did want us to have a bigger house until about months before she left. W then became under a lot of stress and simply couldn't cope. W then wanted to leave saying anything to try to get the kids and hide money. I now get what has happened - how it has snowballed.
I'm sure W feels guilty and afraid of facing what she has done. She now knows she isn't up to running a home, being a mum, working, exams, being in a serious relationship etc. all at the same time. If we got it all out in the open with a councillor then I think it 'might' be possible to have a new relationship and make the lifestyle changes required. I know I could forgive her and I'm now better than ever, so the problem wouldn't be me. However, I can't see that happening as W is sooooo stubborn, has gone so far, and she now has her parents doing everything for her.
However, I might have to start D soon to protect myself.
Today, I'm having a first session with a new councillor.
I want my family together, finances, keep my home, she's gorgeous, we are good together in the sack, I think I could forgive her, I had wanted to leave to get a break, I'm now a better me.
I can understand that she must have gone off me more than 2 years ago when one of my parents died and I was depressed so she must have made plans (secretly gave money to her parents to help buy a house that has stood empty) to leave but didn't. It then seemed to me she wasn't fully committed (I now know I was right as there was a house waiting for her to move into - she must have had that in the back of her mind all the time) and so she made me more depressed with her negativity, and so I became even less attractive. She must have felt guilty so tried to start arguments. W genuinely did want us to have a bigger house until about months before she left. W then became under a lot of stress and simply couldn't cope. W then wanted to leave saying anything to try to get the kids and hide money. I now get what has happened - how it has snowballed.
I'm sure W feels guilty and afraid of facing what she has done. She now knows she isn't up to running a home, being a mum, working, exams, being in a serious relationship etc. all at the same time. If we got it all out in the open with a councillor then I think it 'might' be possible to have a new relationship and make the lifestyle changes required. I know I could forgive her and I'm now better than ever, so the problem wouldn't be me. However, I can't see that happening as W is sooooo stubborn, has gone so far, and she now has her parents doing everything for her.
However, I might have to start D soon to protect myself.
Today, I'm having a first session with a new councillor.
Hi David,
Have you ever considered that the lens in which you view the world might not be the most accurate reflection of reality?
It seems you are so afraid of losing everything - that you don't seem to understand that she doesn't want a life with you anymore. You keep repeating you are a better you. And? It changes nothing for her. Its for you.. and you only. This mindset and way of framing things the way you do is completely the opposite of what you should be doing and the journey you need to take before her coming back would even be a possibility.
You need to accept this is truly over.
Don't say you are; because that last post says to me you are not.
Im only here helping; my life is thankfully going well, (and i didn't drift away from this board after recon like most do) but I keep getting drawn to read your sitch because I want to help you but your a million miles off at the minute, and I think you are so desperate not to lose your family etc that your willing to be treated like sh*t from someone who clearly does not respect you. Its not healthy. But you take it because its better than the alternative of having to move out of town etc.. Your not living at the minute - your reacting to fear.
I was fed-up with W and I had packed things to leave. W told me to stay but the thing that stopped me from leaving was that I couldn't leave the kids too. W left days later (but I now realise that she had planned to leave for months and explains why she had been so bad towards me) and took the kids.
I am afraid of losing the kids. I am afraid of their feelings being hurt. I've been a SAHD and we are extremely close. I don't want to be a Dad that doesn't see their kids much. My Dad wasn't around for me much. I want to be there available for them every day. I want the kids to have their mum and dad together as a proper family. I don't want the kids to lose their home.
"your willing to be treated like sh*t from someone who clearly does not respect you"
Before W left I told her that I wasn't willing to put up with her behaviour, that I wanted a soul-mate. After she left I've been to court to stand up to her over access to see the kids. W now seems to resent me even more.
If she has as much money as you suggest, and if you've always with her agreement been the SAHD, then your lawyer should be able to file for whatever the UK analog for child support and transitional alimony is. The court will look to the children's best interest. Losing their primary caregiver won't be in their best interest, and a court can order that the more financially secure spouse support the other so that that result doesn't happen.
I get the feeling you don't fully grasp your legal rights. It will make you feel better to get that understanding. From there, you can build on a strong(er) emotional base. It will understandably be hard to make self-improvements if you're worried about a roof over your head, losing your children, etc.
Me: 46 W: 44 Married: 17 Together 21 D13; S10 BD: 03.03.15 (Not attracted to you) Almost 2 years trying, alone, to save marriage Status now: Divorced (effective 06.13.17)
In the UK people pay child maintenance based upon income. W is hiding savings. I was the primary carer until W took the kids. We now have a 50/50 deal so W would only have to pay me about �150 - 200 pm.
My legal advice is that the family home would be sold in a divorce and I'd get half of the proceeds, plus some of W pension, and I'd be expected to work more (which would mean me paying for childcare for the kids rather than me looking after them and I'd still not earn enough to buy W half of the house, plus W would be entitled to some of my wages).
Consider too that W is already telling the kids what to say to the court whereas I'm not as I'm being honest about everything and I think it is terrible of W to pressurise the kids like that, so I could lose the 50/50 in a few months time.
I've probably done everything wrong today... did the kids exchange which is now in a public place. W looked very tried, older and made no effort to look nice. W said that she'd given youngest kid a phone. I said that she had told youngest that we would both discuss it beforehand. W denied that conversation and then she twisted it. I said that it was typical of her to be dishonest, rewrite and twist everything.
One of the kids was upset being passed between us. I suggested going to a cafe to do it and W agreed. I said to W it was starting to have a bad impact upon the kids and this was her choice. W asked me about a couple of GAL things the kids said to her I'd been doing and she was surprised as they were things I wouldn't normally have done. We then had some laughs. I then suggested that we went to a restaurant and W agreed. W drove us there. We passed a lady, W made a comment about her and I said I see her around a lot in the nearest city (W may now realise I'm getting out a lot and not know why). We had some more laughs. W & I talked on our own at one stage. I said that I had a good idea as to what went wrong but I can only see my point of view and it might not be the same as hers. I said I realise that she is probably too afraid to discus her point of view and so I'd had to join the dots and may have the wrong picture due to bad communication. She said she understood.
I then noticed W kept looking at me in a warmer way. W passed a drink to me to taste etc. Her body language was the most open since she had left, whereas I was now the one with the crossed arms etc.
W denies taking money despite me saying that I have the evidence. I had mentioned it in a humorous way when it was time to pay the bill. That smirking, untrustworthy side to her is still obvious at times. It's like a game to her at times. I can see it clearly now and it puts me off her. I said that she used to be lovely and that I now felt sorry for her as I thought she was better than what she has been doing. I said that I tried to understand what she is going through and I had looked on the internet to search for rewriting martial history and a lot of it made sense and that what she is going through is a known predicatable thing. W seemed genuinely interested and said she would look into that. I said I just had to get some things off my chest and 'the next time we meet, if we ever do again, I won't talk about any R issues'. W said she understood. W said she didn't want to talk about the past as there was nothing to say. I said she probably has the future planned. W claimed that she doesn't really know what she's doing and anything could happen in the future. W later mentioned some local houses for sale and how much they cost so she must be looking at houses for sale. In the restaurant was a new friend of mine that W wasn't aware of and we said hello. I said to W that I'd been getting advice from him. W said that was nice. I said you wouldn't say that if you knew what advice he'd given me.
I probably made lots of mistakes but I guess there was some progress in that we went for a meal together on our own as a family for the first time in months, had some laughs, I was fearless at losing W, I called out some disrespectful BS, but I also showed some understanding about the way she is. There's no chance of R whilst she is still in that cunning, truth bending, alien state of mind that is a long way below the person I thought she used to be.
I said to W it was starting to have a bad impact upon the kids and this was her choice.
Pressure. Stop with this. You really want her to come back because of the kids? Plus you come off as weak.
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W & I talked on our own at one stage. I said that I had a good idea as to what went wrong but I can only see my point of view and it might not be the same as hers. I said I realise that she is probably too afraid to discus her point of view and so I'd had to join the dots and may have the wrong picture due to bad communication.
Pursuit. Again, she knows you're still in this thing.
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I then noticed W kept looking at me in a warmer way. W passed a drink to me to taste etc. Her body language was the most open since she had left, whereas I was now the one with the crossed arms etc.
W denies taking money despite me saying that I have the evidence.
So things are better, but she still lies to your face?
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I said that she used to be lovely and that I now felt sorry for her as I thought she was better than what she has been doing. I said that I tried to understand what she is going through and I had looked on the internet to search for rewriting martial history and a lot of it made sense and that what she is going through is a known predicatable thing. W seemed genuinely interested and said she would look into that.
So you told her she looks like crap? And now the two of you are going to do a joint psychoanalysis to fix your sitch?
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I said to W that I'd been getting advice from him. W said that was nice. I said you wouldn't say that if you knew what advice he'd given me.
I heard Michele on a podcast with Neil Sattin. She talked about a scenario in her marriage where she was frustrated with her H after talking to her daughter. She was getting ready to lay into her H, but had a minute to think. Michele said to herself "Is the thing I'm about to say going to bring me closer to my H or further away?" So she did a 180 from the normal, reactionary behavior there and had a positive impact on her marriage. Did your words bring your closer? Was that why you said you wouldn't say he's nice if you knew the advice the friend is giving? What was the point?
Have you given your W a true incentive to change? Or are you still there for her, waiting for your chance?
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
No. I felt sorry for her due to all the deceit she has been doing and that she never used to be that sort of person.
"Is the thing I'm about to say going to bring me closer to my H or further away?"
I think W is afraid to admit what she's done, is extremely stubborn, and is in denial and defensive. Calling out the BS in a very calm way and saying I understand and won't get angry about it might help to take away some of her fear.
About the advice from a friend, I said that in a humorous way but she is fortunate that I've been calm whereas most people wouldn't be. My counsellor pointed that out to me a few days ago.
