Hi Ready...We have been living like a married couple in most respects (at least as really good friends), except no sex since discovery of his affair in January. Do most things together, socialize with friends, have meals together,sleep in the same bed etc! It's sooooo strange. But he doesn't give me anything emotionally. I I think he believes I can't give it to him. I believe he just isn't receptive to it for a lot of complicated reasons. I'm hoping the separation will bring it all in perspective and perhaps a future "date night" will bring us a spark that can start something new. Time will tell.....
You are wanting to go to your kids' college to tell them what's going on? Seems like the separation rules are simple:
1. Person who wants to separate needs to GTFO. 2. Bills 50/50 3. No cake-eating.
Yes, I want to tell the kids in person. Last week he said he doesn't see why we have to go there together. That I could talk to them and he could at another time. I want adamant that I would not budge on this that we should do it together in the best interest of the kids. Now he's saying he won't go this weekend "in advance" and that's that!, (even though he will probably move out next week). I left it alone until we talk tonight.
I agree on the 3 basic rules, but how do you monitor the No cake-eating? Maybe it's a matter of see what happens and go from there. All I can control is my own actions, and I will not waver on my integrity and values. In principle H agreed to no dating but he didn't sound too convincing.
What do you mean by not budging on telling the kids together? You can be adamant that you think telling them together is the right thing to do, but you cannot make him go with you to tell them.
Never give an ultimatum you can't follow through on or give a boundary you can't enforce.
He has all the power in this interaction.
Say something like, "I believe it will be easier for the girls if we tell them both together, but I believe it's important they know it happens when it happens. I am going to go visit them on x date. I'd like it if you came with me, but I'm going with or without you."
And then do that.
Last edited by Rose888; 09/27/1802:33 AM.
Me: 44 H: 44 Kids: 20, 16, 16, and 10 Together/Married: 22 years H announced he was emotionally detached and considering D: 4/4/16 H announced he is going to try to stay and reconnect: 5/1/16
Rose - you point I can't "make" him do anything. I tend to want to control the situation, and that's one of the big changes I'm working on for myself. Let go of what I can't control, and work on my reactions instead. He did ultimately share that he's afraid he won't be able to hold it together if we talk to them now because of all the emotions of moving out, etc. We have some time since my daughter will be home this weekend and he is still in the house, and both kids probably won't be home again until Thanksgiving.
I started reading your story from 2016, and sounds similar to mine with the depression and unsatisfying sex situation. Could you send me the appropriate links on how you proceeded and how it all turned out? Thanks.
I think I only have two threads, so if you found one of them, you probably have all there is.
Here is a high-level summary of what happened. My husband was considering moving out and had looked at apartments (at least online) and had considered how we should divide assets in a divorce. One day he was thinking about the situation and felt angry, which was a change from the numbness he had been feeling. He decided any feeling was better than numbness and decided to stay to see if we could fix our marriage. He agreed to marriage counseling.
We decided to confine relationship discussion to our counseling sessions and the few hours after each session. After two sessions, we quit going, and therefore stopped having relationship discussions. Approximately 5 months after he decided to stay, he told me he loved me.
We're still together, and from my perspective (and I think his), our marriage is better than ever. We communicate differently. We take responsibility for our own emotions. I'm less selfish.
For me, 2016 was like a vow renewal. I chose my marriage again, and I chose to be a better spouse.
Me: 44 H: 44 Kids: 20, 16, 16, and 10 Together/Married: 22 years H announced he was emotionally detached and considering D: 4/4/16 H announced he is going to try to stay and reconnect: 5/1/16
Well, today is the day. H will be gone when I get back from work. The weekend was so weird. It was like nothing was going to happen. D19 was home from college for the weekend. She knows nothing. We decided not to say anything yet because she and S21 won’t be home again until Thanksgiving. Anyway, had a nice dinner out with H and D on Friday night. Saturday H and I went to our usual exercise class, and in the afternoon he asked if I wanted to go out to watch football. We had a nice time. Last night did our usual movie with a glass of wine.
So this morning I hugged him, and just said “I hope you find what your looking for”. Because I really do. He’s very broken, and I hope he finds a way to heal. I know I can’t help him.
So, I’ve got several things planned this week, and am booking things for the upcoming weekends. I’m truly GAL. I guess that’s all I can do for now.
I’ve been reading a lot on these boards about the WAS, but most seem to have OM or OW in the picture. I’m curious if the “rules” of DBing apply equally to a situation such as mine? I’m going along with the assumption of Yes. As I’ve said, I am GAL, but haven’t been regular in detachment, probably because we are friends. Need to work on that. He plans to come on the weekend to do the yard work. I think I’ll be busy at that time.
Not telling your kids until Thanksgiving? How would you feel if your parents kept this kind of secret from you for almost 2 months? And why are you keeping this a secret? B/c your H wants to keep the illusion going and you're happy to help him?
Usually a WAS that isn't wayward gets a more tender treatment. Sandi has a thread on it, should be on page 1 of your thread. All those links are great to read.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
Not telling your kids until Thanksgiving? How would you feel if your parents kept this kind of secret from you for almost 2 months? And why are you keeping this a secret? B/c your H wants to keep the illusion going and you're happy to help him?
You are right. I don't feel comfortable with it and never did. I told the kids I was going to visit them in a few weeks. I think I will inform H that I'm telling them, and he can either choose to come or not. I think it's in their best interest for us both to do it together, but I have no control over his decision. Thanks for the kick in the pants.
Got home from work yesterday with H gone, as expected. He has not been in contact and I haven't contacted him either. Kept busy. Cleaned a bit, went to the gym and had a good workout. Talked with my sister and a trusted friend who helped a lot. I was surprised I slept pretty well last night.
As I reflect on my 27 years of marriage, I'm discovering a lot of things about H and myself, and am trying not to blame myself for H's inability to provide me emotional support on any real, deep level. When someone doesn't love themselves, how can they truly love another? Anyway, that's my struggle of the day. I will continue to try to focus on myself, and of course there are my kiddo's whom I have a wonderful connection with.
