Thank you. The blanket is definitely so insignificant, I just dont understand the point of the text. Sometimes I think he just wants to see if I will respond or something. Or maybe not and he truly just randomly wanted to know about some blanket!
My IC appointment got changed to tomorrow because my childcare fell through. I could not be more excited honestly. I know I will cry the entire time. And an hour will not feel long enough. But I know it will feel better. I will probably need to go weekly. I need this. I know when it is time to ask for help and I know right now I need help and that is ok. The anxiousness and sadness I feel over all of this feels like it did after BD. The 3 weeks he was gone after BD were the worst. And it is crazy because I look back at that time now and I think WOW, I had SO much power back then. how did I not see it? I had SOOO much power! All I would have had to do at that point is tell him he wasnt allowed to come back until he was ready to truly work on us, and he would have lost his mind. Instead I was so vulnerable, I was SO understanding, I told him to have his space, take his time, ill be strong. While I was at home pregnant, vomiting, so depressed from this. And now, a year later, I feel like I have lost all that power because over time I have let his love for me fade and he has come to see he could actually fall for Other Women, he has options. Now my power feels so small. And I feel as sad now as I did then, and I havent felt this sad in between because we were actually "together" for most of that time, he was just never fully in, never fully trying to work on us.
I get strength in thinking of what a good mom I am. I get strength in thinking I will just keep being a bomb a*s mom, single or not, and I will keep doing me, being me, and faking it till I make it. because behind doors, I break down.
I am trying to take deep breaths, be patient, trust the process. Thats what I need to do. And I do trust this, if not for my MR, at least for myself. The confidence wavers, I feel okay sometimes and feel so bad other times.
