The general advice here is to not ask about As or bring it up to them when you find out. But what we learn reading here over the years is that in most cases there is some type of A or even an imaginary A. The reason you don't ask and keep that to yourself is because chances are 1. they are going to lie about it anyways, 2. they will get better at hiding it so you may not even be able to find out about it, 3. the drama and fall out of it being exposed could potentially bring them together. 4. knowing hurts like H3LL! 5. it becomes a game changer in the way you two now interact.
Look, none of us think our S was capable of an A. 4-5 years later, it still shocks me that my H could do that! It still surprises him about himself too. The reason we love and marry our partner is because of the intimate connection and because we trust them. I also think we all believe it's the deal breaker. I always believed that and said that to my H too. And then it happened, and my world was turned upside down, and I started to see people and relationships differently. I can tell you today, even though my H has been back for 3.5 years, I don't know if I will ever truly forgive him. I also don't know if I need to truly forgive him (whatever that means) for us to stilll have a good M that lasts. People over time change and so does our perspective.
So I want you to really think hard about what the term "deal breaker" means for you. Does in mean in the case of any A (PA, EA) that you immediately file for D yourself and never look back? Are you prepared for that? What do you think would change by knowing? Do you think knowing will help your sitch or hurt it? Do you think he would tell you the truth? How would the dynamic between you shift if he thinks you suspect that? Loaded questions I know. There are soooo many layers to this. My initial thought is you will not find the truth by asking him, but you will increase the tension and drama between you. If you do decide you want to know the truth, there are other ways to gather intel. Again, what will knowing change for you?
I also think you should read kechs threads. There are a lot of them but try and scroll back and read them. She has lots of posters and advice in there.
There could be many reasons for why he is doing what he is doing -- thinks he is in love with OW, has wanted out for years and never told you, depression, MLC, childhood issues, etc -- but you cannot know why and be sure of it. Mind reading doesn't work. This is his journey and you cannot control it or change it. And whatever the reasons are, your course of action is yours. Put you first now and focus on that and being a mom. Let him go.
Blu
“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
