For me, i resented my ex for years. I felt like he wasnt pulling his weight and everything that went down i blamed it on him. I too came across as controlling and verbally abusive. Like your bf's friend, that was the campaign he waged against me. I dont know if i was being unreasonable or sensed that he was being irresponsible and just did not quite know how or why. I dont know what was the chicken and what was the egg. But i was deeply depressed and always pressuring him to help and be around.
Yes to this also.
Towards the end I used to say that I felt like I was running a hotel. I was doing all the house stuff (all the cleaning, all the running of the house kind of things) and he was just popping in an out when it suited him. Weird.
One of the first things I noticed when I started to date again, and definitely when I met my significant other, was how capable they were of running their own lives: paying bills, doing the cleaning, doing the humdrum stuff in life, getting themselves to where they needed to be in time.
Originally Posted by JujuB
Did you know he was an addict at the time? Did you resent him? Any thing you look back on and say, "i should have known"
I think I had a stereotyped view of an addict (both of drugs and of alcohol). I've had a few other stereotypical views in my life and have had them totally shattered as well.
I don't mind that. It's just I guess I mind the way in which they've been shattered. It's felt very overwhelming.
Originally Posted by JujuB
Whats hard for me to cope with now is, how can he be an addict yet date someone else with a child. I wanted to believe he just could not function in a relationship because of his addiction. Not because of ME. I wanted to believe it wasnt easy for him. That i held significance to him. I still care about not having him care. Because i cared a lot about him. Even at the end. How can he deal with a relationship when he had had ED with me? (Sign of alcohol and pain killers) he told me "i want nothing to do with women! I cant handle it" yet hes able tondate single moms?
Yes to this as well. In my case, how can he be an addict and have *fathered* a child. Without getting into how soon after he left. Anyway, she's very, very young. She was 26 when they met and the whole thing started, and she was 29 when he finally left our M. Who knows what life experiences she's had, but I always thought she was quite young to be dealing with everything.
[/quote] In your sitch, you are doing great with a career and have a wonderful new bf. But i get how hard it is when you are reminded of him through the selfishness of another. Its a trigger. An old wound you banged into. I have aquaintances that have done some pretty similar stuff. And i hate hearing it. Cause its their perspective. And their perepctive does not acknowledge anothers pain and suffering and damage. [/quote]
A trigger. Yes, that's what it was. I hadn't realised.
I thought I did well at staying in the neutral zone in spite of it. I'm not going to convince anyone if I spoke my truth. They're on their own journey. I don't have to convince anyone. I just concentrate on my own journey. Keep the focus on my own healing.
Thank you. Got offered some work today, with XH's old company. So that was good, that they still think of me, and offer me work. I can't manage it though, because of the dates it's on. Shame, as they always do very interesting work and it would have been fantastic for my CV.
