BluWave did your husband ever fill you in on what brought him home?? What about what he was feeling when he was gone? Did you notice any behavior changes right before R?? Thanks!!
Hi MamaB,
I thought I would answer you over here on your thread. I have several threads where I discuss most of this, if you feel like reading them. Yes, we have talked about it all. He has been back 3.5 years now, so we don't talk about it much anymore.
What brought him home was a combination of things that happened over time. He was gone for about 9-10 months having an R with OW. That was after they had a secret EA for about 8 months, while he was living at home. What brought him home was a combination of him having the freedom to leave the home and M and go into the "real world" and having an actual R with OW, and seeing that I was starting to move on without him and would no longer be his plan B. You see, the lure of an A is much stronger when it feels unattainable. Once we split and he was free to date her, he very soon realized she was not what he wanted. They had all the drama, she was needy and insecure, and he never felt right about them. On some level, even in his fog, he knew it wasn't a real or authentic love. They were essentially running from their lives. He also saw that I was starting to move on. I stopped lashing out, or being needy, and started to DB and just let go. I removed the pressure. And when he saw me: GAL and moving on, he grew increasingly anxious and terrified. He also started to feel safer to approach me when he knew I wouldn't rip his head off.
When he was gone he felt tremendous guilt. I don't know if all waywards experience that, but my H was raised by a strict Catholic mother that guilted him in his childhood, and so he somehow created a nightmare for himself by doing what he did. His connection to OW also deepened because he felt like she was his only friend and he had burned all his bridges. She was readily available and also quite needy so he was attached to her. Simultaneously, he did not trust her (duh, she had an A and left her family) and the R lacked genuine intimacy. He describes it as always feeling wrong. He also was afraid of me, my anger, and that I would never forgive him. He says he thought he ruined any chance with me. I'll admit, I was very angry and distressed and he hid from me for several months. During the time he was gone and with OW, I tried to mindread and assumed the worst. In actuality though, he was under a lot of stress, losing weight, not sleeping well, gotten sick and was extremely depressed. He felt like he had ruined his life.
People want to know what the signs are of R or if they are getting close to R. My thoughts on that are, if it is happening, you will know and you won't have to ask. My H very quickly did a 180 when he thought he had fully lost me. I could just feel his energy change; he would try and talk to me, hang on to conversations, he was remorseful, and I could tell he wanted me to know he was ending the A. Then he ended it very quickly and starting changing. It was a snowball effect. He was ready to do anything and everything to get me back. It was almost surreal after the tauma of the breakup and their A.
Not sure if that helps. Another thing I tell people, is that we can do everything right and they still may never return. I did everything wrong and my H came back and has stayed back.It has been me in the last couple years that has thought about ending it. My H didn't come back until I got better at DB. I suspect he would have anyways though, I just prolonged the process. He was miserable and wanted his M and life back. Either way, these sitches take a long time to unfold. Sometimes years. You just have to let them go and focus on you and your kids. That is really all you can do. Find your worth and confidence. Don't stop fighting for you.
You can't truly say yet if you want your M back, because he hasn't shown you a man yet that is worthy of forgiveness. First, find the strong and confident you. That is what this is about IMO. Then, down the road, if he does come back, let that better version of you decide.
Blu
“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
