update... got a text message from WW last night about how she wants out of the M, because she doesn’t want to be with me and doesn’t want to deal with the bullying and immaturity. Had to reply to it. Told her, how not getting caught in bed, WW having an illicit A, her daughter seeing how she acts with POS, isn’t immature? Added, i forgave you and yet she still continued to hangout with POS. Long story short, ended my message with, D14 is being taken care of an immature bully, aren’t you worried about it! Maybe you need to step up.
First of all, no you didn't have to reply to it. Get that idea out of your head, that you need to reply to every crazy thing she sends you. Sometimes silence is the best reply of all. Second of all, if you replied, it should have been nothing but validation. "It sounds like you are frustrated because you feel I bully you and am being immature, I am sorry I make you feel that way." Note that you are not agreeing with what she said, you are simply acknowledging her FEELINGS which is what validation is. Why do you respond this way? BECAUSE IT IMMEDIATELY DEFUSES THE SITUATION. A fire cannot burn without fuel and oxygen. Take one away and you snuff out the fire. Your response simply threw more fuel onto a raging fire and left you both feeling angry and frustrated.
thanks AS... need to be more patient....and validate more...she’s been sending me these messages, and it was the first time i replied...should’ve been more validation than adding fuel to the fire...this replying thing is where i get lost...next time will ask for advice in this forum before replying...would it be too late to validate her feelings?...just asking for a friend... thanks again.
thanks ovrr... be assured that there is one properly functioning parent. i sometimes it was me that became the WS, i could’ve just walked away, and ever worry about D14. but i guess faith chose a better one or a rational one to take care, and be her rock. Being the best dad for D14 is one of the main goals of my DB’ing. D14 will have her IC today. She has to read a letter that she wrote about her feelings towards WW attitude right now. D14 is kinda scared, she just doesn’t want to get yelled at when she gets home. Going out to dinner after.Is it a good idea to ask WW to come with us? Been NC with her for a while now.
update... WW and D14 and her IC sat down together and read her letter to her mom. D14 got frustrated because she called WW a liar on her letter, and WW gave a snarky comment that she wasn’t. That was it for D14, she told the IC that she will never put anymore effort in building their R. If WW wants to be part of her life, then WW needs to do all the work. IC agreed with her halfway, but advised D14 to not close her door totally. WW still blaming me for D14 being hostile against her. In the end, D14 has to at least let WW take her to school even for once a week and have dinner too. just to start rebuilding their R. D14 is feeling hopelesss and negative about the whole thing, with the way WW is acting. Me and D14 also came into an agreement that WW looks really tired and beat.
Funny my S14 is disgusted at his WW mom as well. I din't have to tell him he sees what is going on and they have the internet...they are pretty smart at that age and he feels the same.
H-50 W-48 T-19 M -18 S23, S14 BD - 5/9/2018 OM discovered 5/10/2018
In house sep - 8/18/2018 Rope drop 2/15/2019 R'ing since 3/15/2019
thanks nef...i am always GAL. hiking with pups,biking, watching football at the bar, gym. usually when i involve D14, it’s kinda wholesome.
hey lost. Still WW thinks i influence D14. it’s like, geez, she knows what you’re doing. but whatever, as i’ve said, D14 has kinda lost hope in improving R with WW. she will have to crawl on both her hands and knees to get back or at least have a piece of D14’s heart.
update... D14 getting anxious about WW driving her to school. told her to just be civil. don’t react to whatever WW says, even if you feel it’s negative. just answer yes or no. WW hasn’t driven her to school or anywhere else in a long time. Meanwhile, am off to the gym.
