I think you are being too hard on yourself. I do not think it is you or that you have some kind of personality disorder. I do think your h has been a total @ss about things and he uses those pitiful looks to get you to soften up. He knows how to play on your feelings and it's been working up till now. It's time to toughen up and get what he owes you in back support. He makes more than you do and you having to think about this issue quite often and it's playing on your stress and anxiety levels. I know you probably do not want to get a lawyer involved, but if he owes you that money, then he owes it to your son and his needs.
As for the OW, he's going to pull out all of the stops to show her that he's a great catch, right down to giving attention to her kids. Once he's gotten all he can from her in the way of kibbles, he'll drop her too...unless she takes the rose colored glasses off early on and sees him for what he is.
As for PTSD? It's possible you are having some of that whenever you think about him and what he put you thru. Maybe this is something you need to delved into a bit more to better understand if this is what is going on w/you. In the meantime, try to continue looking forward and not in the rear view mirror. What you are feeling about the money is very normal. I would be questioning myself on that one too.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
