Can I ask you, Steve, what specifically do you think you neglected to do that could have prevented a repeat 12 years later? I will admit, this is now one of my most prominent fears that holds me back from diving into full recon. I do NOT want to look back and be disappointed in the judgments I make today.
44 great question. And one that I've thought about briefly, but will discuss in depth here as I have thoughts about it.
The first thing I have said is that we didn't deal with our marital problems properly after her first EA. When I caught it, and confronted, she immediately said she didn't want a divorce, and wanted to R. (Note, she was saying this with her lips but her heart was far from it!) I insisted on NC between her and OM. I insisted on complete transparency. Etc.
Other than that, we pretty much went on with business as usual. We didn't deal with our SSM. I didn't work on the anger and resentment I had about her not wanting sex. From Oct. 2005 when I found out about her EA, until Dec. 2017 when I found about her new EA, nothing changed! We never went into MR 2.0 mode. We just carried on with MR 1.0.
So how are things different this time? That might be the better answer.
First, I did a lot of 180ing. I realized that my controlling, angry, bitter, withdrawn existence, where her and my daughter felt they had to walk on eggshells around me had to change. I needed to give up selfishness. I needed to give up fear and lack of risk taking. I had to work on who I was, find out what made me tick, what from my past informed the person I had become.
Second, she had to do a lot of work on herself. She had started to exhibit many of the same traits. After 2006 she started trying to be a W again. But I was resistant to it. There were many times she would prepare meals and I would sit down, lead a prayer of thanksgiving, then eat as fast as I could and not communicate with my W and D at all. Get up, clean my plate, and go back to what I had been doing.
Third, counseling. IC and MC All around. 1 and 2 above are meaningless without an independent, non-biased third party to help discuss, give different perspectives, and essentially kick you in the pants. One of my first counseling session the C asked me why I felt the need to parent my W. She was likewise asked why she viewed me more as a father-figure as opposed to a H and lover. Eye-opening to say the least.
Fourth consistency. We are 10 months past BD. By that time in 2006 I had already started to slip back into some of my poor behaviors prior to the BD 2005. She was very leery that my changes this time were permanent because of what happened in 2006 and following. Again, a lot of that was because of the lack of #1 above. I hadn't done the work.
44, it is also important to realize the natural progression of life and relationships. Even if you both do everything right there are ups and downs. There are pressures and problems. There are temptations in and out. But couple that natural progression, along with aging and the questions that causes us to ask (like her turning 50 and thinking this was her last chance at happiness), with a MR that is diseased, decaying, and/or non-existent, and you can pretty much ensure something happening like happened to us last year.
Due to those natural factors I mentioned, you can never be assured of NOT having a spouse step out of the marriage. Spouses even in good marriages go astray. So there are no guarantees against it. But you can guarantee that one or both will step out of the marriage when that marriage isn't what it should be.
Hope all this helps. AS I just told rose in her thread, there are only two options after BD, a both mean an end to the marriage. The first is MR 2.0. The second is D and moving on separate. If you try to keep MR 1.0 you are only temporarily putting off the inevitable.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
