Sorry I typed this yesterday but just noticed I never sent it:
Originally Posted by Steve85
And while someday I might share with her DBing etc, right now I still can't trust that a relapse won't occur.
DBing is for life, and not sharing DBing with her is also for life. If you share it with her then she will see everything you do as a "trick" or "technique" rather than heartfelt. For example, validation works because it sounds genuine and real (and hopefully it is). But if she thinks that you read somewhere "if she says A then validate with B, if she says C then validate with D" then every time you validate she's going to say "oh I see what he's doing there, following plays from his playbook." Knowing what I know about DB'ing, sometimes someone will say something to me and it makes ME wonder if they're DB'ing me rather than being genuine!
Quote
Sometimes, not sure about you, but for me I've questioned if I made the right choice or not. So many come here wanting to R above everything else, but what if the WS never gives up their waywardness? What if they are narcissistic? Or have other personality and emotional deficiencies? On and on. While we are a DB forum, sometimes the answer is to run away from the toxic spouse as fast as you can and do not look back.
Sometimes that's the answer even if they are not toxic. Who wants to be married to someone that doesn't love them? Our spouses all loved us unconditionally at some point and we want that back so bad. But what we fail to see in our post-BD fog is that our spouse may be unable to ever love us that way again. The path back has been shut off, the real question is can we build a path forward with that person to something that is as good or better than what we had? None of us have a crystal ball so we don't know the answer, so of course it would make you question things.
Originally Posted by hoosjim
Had some really important realizations this past weekend that i went into in some depth on "burned" 's thread, hopefully for his benefit, but maybe i can synopsize here: Just how valuable it is to "Be your own person" and to be fully confident and fulfilled in your own right (and with God, if you are, as am I, so disposed), and how that is so freeing in terms of how you interact with your spouse or significant other. When you are without that worry... without the walking on eggshells or worrying what you can and cant tell the other person or that they might become mad or might even leave you... it frees you up to have such an open and fulfilling relationship it is just... amazing. My W and i had so much fun this past weekend just being in each others's company, and we really did... nothing special. It was just the interaction between the two of us... two strong, confident, complete individuals contributing to an amazing relationship.
That's fantastic, truly a healthy place to be! And well said!
Quote
The only thing where my W tends to "slip" a little still is in the remorse department. She still gets little spells where something will be really good with us, and then she'll get a sad look and hug me or cry a little and say "I am so, so, sorry... and I am so, so thankful that you have forgiven me and that we are together"
That's amazing. I remember fantasizing about such a moment with my ex! How awesome that must be! Sounds like she really is all-in.
