Affair, no feelings...is there hope? V

[44tries]

Steve, what a great example you gave of how your W's appendicitis became the catalyst for true recon in your sitch. I will definitely remember it going into my W's surgery. I think I have some personal "letting go" to do to make my attitude a little more positive and not always be looking the negative in my W's behavior.

I guess part of the struggle for me knowing where the waywardness stops. After having my eyes opened so much by the board and learning to identify all the underlying motivations of wayward behavior, I don't know when I can go back to trusting my W again. It almost feels like having a spouse you wonder might be a spy. I just don't want to be naive or go back to the old ways and experience this all over again, continuing to be in the position of lesser power. Can I ask you, Steve, what specifically do you think you neglected to do that could have prevented a repeat 12 years later? I will admit, this is now one of my most prominent fears that holds me back from diving into full recon. I do NOT want to look back and be disappointed in the judgments I make today.

Neffer, 100% correct OM contact is a no go and I know she knows that (and so far seems to be able to follow it without reminders based on her account that she promptly deleted the text). The question is whether I should demand she delete him from social media. I don't want to be controlling, and to be honest I don't feel it matters whether or not they are "friends" if they wanted to carry on inappropriate contact. But at the same time, I deleted one of her co-workers and his W upon her request because she didn't "want any association" with them any longer (totally unrelated situation). The fact she doesn't delete someone she had an AFFAIR with, sort of blows my mind. And that right there is the principle of my problem. It isn't about whether or not she will delete him if I demand it; she probably would, with or without a squabble. It's the fact that she didn't already do it on her own as a no-brainer. That shows the level of inherent disrespect, to me. And there is no amount of communication that solves that problem.

We openly aknowledge her lack of respect for me and have discussed it a couple times. Just the other day, she bluntly admitted she thinks I'm a weak person. That stings. But the only thing I can do is take it upon myself to make changes that combat that opinion. Since we had the open conversation about the affair and went on vacation, I feel a little bit of ice has been broken (not to imply things were icy) and we have been getting along especially well. It gives me hope that we can find that connection again. Every time I start to wonder if I'm crazy and we just aren't meant for each other, I'm reminded of how much love and fondness we do have and it goes both ways. But it's like lightning in a bottle and I'm trying to figure out how to bring it to the surface and sustain it.