Ugh. I am pmsing. I know that. But when the h@ll can i get through a month not getting depressed about my ex. When to i become neutral? Why is it harder for me?
My ex pays child support but evades all the extra curriculars. He owes me from last winter amd spring. Thats pretty selfish. And when i ask him for it he gets this pained look like hes in dire poverty that actually makes me feel bad for him in some moments. Which is crazy cause he earns a lot more then me and we have a 20/80 share of custody (his loss super great for me. Would not trade it for anything) but still. I worry about him, o wprry that i was abusive to him when we were younger, cause i still care for him and that is crazy because he was such a horrible person to me as well. Amd then my feelings twist to extreme rage. He is dating a younger woman with a small kid and that bothers me so so much. Obviously, he has to pay for them on dates. So he can afford to pay for his son. And the old me would have verbalized that. But the new me knows it will only show my jealousy.
And why the h@ll do i feel jealousy? After what he did? Hes not a good spouse. Hes not a good provider. He could never perform sexually. What will this new woman actually get? Someone that is hiding stuff from her. She lives far from him though and has a child so will make less demands is my guess. All speculating. I know.
New guy has been really good to me (despite those things i talked about) but my feelings go though extremes with him as well. So i wonder if its me. Like is there something off with me? Borderline? Just anxiety? PTSD? Do i live in my head and create porblems or are there problems i recognize, co plain about and then coat over.
Ugh. I am so dysfunctional. But just like my ex if you ever met me, you would never know. I actually come across as really sweet and perhaps a bit quirky IRL
