Navigating through and concentrating on myself #6

[Dtrmned]

Good Morning Forum!
Sandi, great to have you back.
As always you have this amazing ability to see into the WW's mind and also into mine and give very useful feedback. I truly am at a loss at what to do. And no, I do not know how an EA feels to the WW or anyone for that matter. I guess from the readings that it is almost harder than a PA since the fantasy is real and never damaged. I feel I am being forced into a decision to file for D just based on the fact that our lease is up soon and we either renew or move. Since she stated she is looking for places, my only conclusion is that we will physically separate in a few months. I do not want to be financially tied to her when this happens. I also know that a physical separation will increase her chances of actively pursuing a PA (or dating at that point if we are D'd), but I don't know what else to do.
Is this a good path? The feedback I have gotten is that this situation could go on indefinitely with her attitude so maybe it is a good thing there is a big deadline forcing something. If anyone has any suggestions how to get through this hurdle other than filing for D, please let me know.

W and I have had some decent interactions the past couple of weeks. Other than the one talk about the dating site, zero arguments and zero R talks. I feel her thinking and contemplating at times and know that she is still struggling with her decision but at the moment is steadfast in her decision that I am not the right person to spend the rest of her life with.

To answer your question on consequences, kind of a dead issue is the above comes to pass and then it truly doesn't matter too much anymore. I am committed to db'ing even through the D if I file. Protecting myself and my children as best I can. I will also have a small amount of hope that as she experiences life without me she will see that the grass is greener right over the septic tank and that life with me wasn't as horrible as she portrayed. All the time knowing that my life will go on and there will be no light left on for her but if the timing is right, who knows what might happen in the future.

It is unfortunately sad to me that it is at this point, and again, if ANYONE has an idea how to work through this without a full recon prior (I don't believe she is in that place yet) please let me know!!

Sia, thanks for weighing in and spending the time on my sitch. My attitude the past few days has been better. Detaching more. Not really worrying about W. I do my thing. I don't do anything to purposely antagonize her, nor do I go out of my way to make things better. I made a great dinner for myself and the kids last night. W did eat a little, but it was all for us and they loved it! I cooked things I haven't in years so it was fun being creative again in the kitchen with real food and not kale chips (the aren't that bad, but sometimes you need butter, oil, and the good stuff). I'm out of the house more. Still working out. In the best shape I have been in for probably 25 years. Sleeping better. More relaxed. I'm even getting a better handle on controlling my thoughts at work which was a huge challenge in the beginning.

Finally. Sandi I think you are right. This is going to take a physical separation for her to truly experience life without me. The only way I can look at it is that I would then get sole time with my kids. We can be spontaneous and do what we want when we want within reason of course. My personality will come out more and I believe the relief of tension will get theirs out more and allow for their growth as well. It won't be all roses and rainbows, but some days definitely will be.

Please give me some feedback on this guys. I am way less emotional than I was. In fact, even typing this I am calm. Usually my heart would race through these, but it is more of a matter of fact post than a truly uncontrolled emotional rant or comments.