I think your intense sadness and feelings of hopelessness over the last couple days could be because you are finally coming to accept what is happening. Of course you are in shock and devastated. Denial is a powerful and effective coping mechanism and I think you have been leaning towards that for the last year. It's understandable; you love your H, you have been pregnant and now have a new baby, and this is totally some craziness you didn't sign up for. It is okay to feel these intense emotions! Just cry your heart out. Give yourself as much time as you need. I cried several times a day for most of my sitch. But I also realized I had to give myself a break and just force myself to do something else. That is where the daily list comes in handy.
What I learned to do, and had to do, was stop sharing my thoughts and feelings with him. He wasn't a safe person anymore and neither is your H. Find your safe person or people -- your closest and most trust worthy people and let them comfort you. It is important to be around other people now too and also to enjoy the baby with other people. I am so lucky I had so many friends and family that I could call or text at any moment. They really held my head above water.
None of us expect you to be perfect. Please stop being so hard on yourself. I was hard on myself too, which was pretty often, because I messed up all the time. My IC would say to me, "wow, you are so hard on yourself!" It didn't help for me to beat myself up when I was already feeling so low. So please, give yourself a break would ya?
You are going to get through this. I know you will. Why? Because 1. You have to, this IS what is happening. 2. You want to. You are a passionate person and a survivor. I can tell. 3. That baby girl deserves a mom that is strong.
I just read this good book written by Holocaust survivor. The inhumane torture and constant threat of death is something that almost no one can wrap their mind around. In his book though, he talks about how he found hope. That made me realize that everything we actually need is inside of us. Your hope and strength is inside of you. It is going to take time to find, but you will if you decide to. I believe that.
You know what? My H is not a different person that he was several years ago. Yes we have both changed, and this new M is totally different, but he did not have a personality transplant or anything. What has changed the most is my perspective. I see him and I see relationships in general very differently now. How you see things IMO is the most important piece in all of this. You are not alone in that. And, we can help you with that!
Blu
“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
