I just feel like I have handled this SO wrong. I would do anything to go back to BD when I was pregnant and tell him to leave and leave me alone. Instead I was so calm. I told him I would make the changes he wanted me to make, and that I would be okay alone if that ended up as the case. He left for an hour and came back and said he wasnt ready to give up and that he wanted to try to work through it.
Then the next day he found me in the bathtub, hysterically crying. He walked in and said "Youre heart is broken isnt it?" He again said we are going to try to get through this. 3 days later he left again for work, the next day he told me a separation needed to happen. Had I known then about OW, maybe I would have handled it differently. But I had no clue. I was pregnant and lost.
Then I think about the night I found out about OW, he immediately quit his job, said he never thought I would find out. He needed me to give him an answer right then if I was willing to stay with him. He couldnt handle not knowing.. hmmm funny, I had to wait around for him and he couldnt handle a couple minutes. I should have kicked him out then. I should have never let him come back the SECOND time I found him talking to her. When I made him pick up his things and he cried 24 hours later that he needed to be with me. And the 3rd time and the 4th time. All before the baby came. 1 within 2 weeks of her arriving. I just coulda shoulda woulda.
Now here I am, a year since BD, 6 months since we officially separated, 5 months since I let him back, then kicked him out, then let him back, then kicked him out. 3 more times. Now 1 month since DBing and I am TRULY going through it. It feels like this is it, like im actually really sticking to it. Pushing through the hell. Crying for 24 hours straight, head pounding, going 24 hours with no contact with H, which is pretty new for us. I am so angry I didnt push through this all those other times. I would be in a much different position one way or another right now. Ive let all of this time go by with all this back and forth and ive only lost him and his emotions more and more. Its like I feel like I dont even have a shot now. Hes detached at this point. Before, he couldnt even stand leaving the house for 24 hours. Even WHEN he had OW. Now all of a sudden, he seems fine with it. He welcomes it. He loves it it seems. Ive allowed cake eating for so long I am afraid ive eased him out of our marriage even more. I know I have read its never too late. I am trying. I am DBing. I thought he was softening a few weeks back, something was changing, but it was a mirage.
Im dedicated to doing it right this time. To ending the cycle for the first time. Even if it just gets ME to the other side. I cannot go through this ever again. I cant. I want him. I want my M. I want to fight for us because he refuses to. I just am having such an emotional struggle right now which is why im like a broken record. I am hoping this will start to feel better soon. I think it will.
