Navigating through and concentrating on myself #6

[sandi2]

Caught W on her dating app while on her phone. I couldn't' hold my tongue any longer.
I told her I wouldn't be disrespected like that.

What are the consequences if she doesn't stay off the dating sites? Here's the thing that a lot of LBH's don't seem to get. The whole business of waywardness is due to disrespect. So, I think you'd better have a plan to follow through with some type of consequences if she disrespects you and uses the dating app again.

This turned into a 2 hour discussion.
We talked about almost everything, including the dating apps.

Next time, don't talk. Just act. Letting it turn into a 2 hour discussion is where H's mess up. The whole boundary setting loses power by having these talks. You get off the subject of the boundary and talk about everything else. It gets you nowhere. You told her you would not be disrespected like that, so that's all that needed to be said. Now.....be prepared to back it up.

I emphasized how I don't want a D, My desire is to keep our family together and for us to grow old together.

Don't you think she knows this? Why do you feel it is necessary to tell her again? It makes you appear weak in the eyes of a WW. She's not going to back down just b/c you tell her you don't want a D. Having R talks with a WW does not work.

Do we truly have to D for her to see and experience life without me (good or bad)?

I think it is going to take a physical separation and her losing the nice benefits she received while M to you. She doesn't know what it is going to be like. She's living in a fantasy and until that fantasy bubble is popped...….she'll continue acting just like you are currently seeing.

I am still baffled how she could be having an affair as she doesn't leave or isn't healthy enough to have any type of relationship.

Oh JS, you just don't understand how strong emotional affairs can be. My affair was never skin on skin. I did everything else, and it totally humiliates me to think about the things I did. We never met in person. You don't have to meet in person to have an affair. As long as she is getting ego food, she'll be hooked. The fantasy and ego food is all she needs. I had one foot out the door to go to the OM, when I was busted. Whatever your W is doing, it's strong enough to tear apart your MR.

I wanted to hold my tongue, but when I saw her on the dating site, I just couldn't and felt for myself I needed to address it.

Okay, you addressed it. You probably felt a little better afterwards b/c it let off some emotional steam. However, did it resolved anything? There is a time for talking about the MR, but while she is wayward is not the time. Once she decides to do the right thing and she ends her waywardness, then talks would be in order. As for you making things worse, I doubt it. It didn't help, and especially letting her know how badly you wanted to keep the family together......but it is what it is. BTW, when she disrespects you again, remember that having a talk is not considered consequences.

((hugs))