A conversation with my heart (that really is how I think of him).
I went to pick him up from an overnight camping adventure this weekend. On the way back he shared that there was a girl there who was very needy and did not shut up. I said hey, you've had that problem too, I hope you showed her some compassion. He said she is a child of a divorce so it is probably from that. I said you are a child of divorce so you can show her some empathy. He said at least she gets to spend time with both of her parents. I said sometimes that can be harder you know. He said at least she has access to both of her parents. I said you have access to your father. He said, I have access to [insert father's full name], and then he said wait, I have access to Dr. [insert father's full name]. I do not have access to my father and I do not have access to a father. I thought for a moment and couldn't really think of anything else to say, so I said at least you have a kick a$$ mother.
I spent three days alone. I didn't go anywhere and I didn't see anyone. I holed up with the cat; so grateful for the time to myself. I cried almost the whole time and worked through a lot of feelings. In that time, I came to understand why he moved in with OW2 and her children. It must have been awful for him the time he was alone with nothing left but his feelings. I am a strong person and I know I have the love and support of my children, but it was all I could do to get through. He is a depressed person with a likely mental illness and multiple addictions who walked away from his life, his perception of himself and the people who love him. I understood him in that moment and I felt his pain. I hope that the compassion I feel for him will help us both through the next stage. I think I am ready to do this in a way that won't make him feel worse about himself. I guess that will be my final gift to him.
