OneArt, I am begining year 9 of this. I cut all contact on my end for a very long time . He pokes at me directly from time to time. He uses the kids to get a reaction from me. Him and Son got into an arguement while i was moving D18 to North Bay. D15 has been told 3 weeks ago that he would get her phone fixed. Last week, he told her it would get done in the coming days. Yesterday, he told her it would be done today. Her phone still ain' t working and he gives her sh**t for not answering his text.. hello?? Her phone is broken.. the account is under his name and they will not let us deal with it.
Last week-end, he visited D18. He was hedgy and snappy all week-end and has been harassing D22 all week. That is all i heard about all night. He has brought up OW3 once again and his current little lady got pissed. A week-end of crap is what my daughters called it.He gets under everybody' s skin but they won' t cut him off. They let it all out with me. The mistreatment of my children is a huge trigger for me. I stop myself from interfering as they need to figure out how to deal with him. But boy am i angry and fed-up.
If you have no intention of standing, push the D. Get it done. Build a case and push. If you sit on the side line, nothing will get done. Protect yourself. If BPD is it, he will retaliate and will be forced by law to settle this.
I don't think it matters what he is, except that I would like to strategize a way to get out of my situation, and it would help to get a handle on what was really going on with him to know what might work.
This raises the question of what result are you wanting? A good friend once told me that she would know I was healed when I was defined by what is in front of me rather than what was behind. From your posts you keep looking back at what was. I know that during my own divorce process I also worked hard on getting what intel I could and trying to strategize. In hindsight, all I was able to influence was everything but my ex.
Because I like bad imagery what came to mind reading this morning was a rock in a stream. You are trying to negotiate with the rock. Trying to influence what they think or do. Is it really a rock? Is it a big ole snapping turtle? You are wanting to know. The stream though goes over and around the rock.
What is your end goal? How can you get there without his assistance or cooperation? I think you know everything you can about him and his motivations so you can stop watching at any time. Yes, there is undoubtedly a high probability that he will monster in some fashion if you push things along. For me it was my ex being uncooperative during discovery and then going on a huge rant that she wasn't getting the respect she deserved. I let that blow over me, had all my things together and got to a settlement that I can live with. I was able to influence her lawyer a bit who I am sure was happy to get the case over with and get paid but her? No. All I was able to do was to predict the flow of the water around her (I'm lovin' this imagery can you tell?)
It turned out that discovery was just so that each side was able to negotiate with full knowledge. Since I was more than willing to accept my own numbers and there were no assets on her side that I was going after and she didn't dispute my numbers, we just moved on. The official forms were in part fiction on her side I know but didn't care. I just accepted what she had which was a few slips of paper with various notes. It was a necessary procedural step for the lawyers to do discovery but did not affect the actual settlement document which just said that all property matters have been dealt with.
Anyhoo - just my 2 cents.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
I like Andrew's way to express himself.. he really knows how to explain his views..
OneArt, you know your ex more then any of us. Mine pushed images of being the exemple of the perfect father on the D. Fought for visitations and numbers. Knowing my ex, i knew his actions would not obey his OWN rules.. was i going to fight him on this? Nope.. waste of time and money. It felt like we went to court for nothing but we did not. I got custody and financial protection for my children. The 2 concerns i had for our future. He is difficult to deal with but he is in the shadow of my current life. You can move this along without him.. set your goals..
Thanks exquisite and Andrew for your thoughts. Trust me I have been round and round this and have thought through everything.
1. In my state once someone files for divorce there is no counter-petition. There is nothing more for me to do here.
2. Court-ordered mediation is one year from now. He and his lawyer have resisted attempts to mediate or privately settle the case earlier.
3. The trial is more than one year away, but he can take up to six extensions before the court will become angry.
4. I have all the information I need for the allegations I have to prove. I know how much money he makes, I know what his basic living expenses are. The rest of it is in my possession. Other than the money he gives me monthly, he spends nothing on the children because he does not see them.
4. I have told him from day one that he can see the children whenever he wants. He simply does not see them. There is nothing more to give him or agree to here.
5. The house will be divided 50/50. There is nothing either of us could argue that will change that.
6. The rest of our property was divided by agreement long ago. I benefit from that. He may challenge that agreement at some point, but that will be a legal challenge requiring no discovery and I have reviewed all the cases. The court will uphold the agreement.
7. He will have to pay me alimony. The law is clear. The court will determine the amount. I know how much he makes and how much I make. No discovery is needed here.
8. He will have to pay me child support. The law is clear. The court will determine the amount. I know our incomes and how much the kids cost. All of those records are in my possession. No discovery is needed here.
9. We have no debt to divide. There is no discovery needed here.
10. There is no mechanism I can take to move the trial forward. The court is busy and that is how they assign cases.
11. He has rejected mediation, no one can force him to go until one year from now.
12. He has rejected a settlement agreement (even though we both agreed on all the terms before it was written up) for the last two years. He has never told me one thing about the agreement that he doesn't like or wants changed. He simply says he won't sign it. When I ask him what he doesn't like about it, he refuses to answer.
I have absolutely no need for discovery. There is no information I need from him. The only discovery I would take would be to disprove his allegations. He has made no allegations. I have no idea what he is contesting and what he is not. Should I waste my money and my time taking discovery on things that will likely never be an issue in the case. Should I demand his bank records so I can dip into the pool of pain and see how many vacations he has taken with her, how many dating sites, porn sites, whatever he is into. Should I take discovery into custody issues that will reveal the extent of his addictions and the felonies he committed and likely cost him his job and his professional license?
My counselor told me a long time ago that he will not finalize the divorce until he has a woman in his life for whom he is willing to cast us aside permanently. I think he filed to appease this one, perhaps as a condition to moving in. But as I said earlier, if that relationship is not stable and full of gleeful, lurved up fantasy, he is not going to follow through here. Hence my speculation on what I could do to make him feel like I would always be there for him, so he can cut me loose now.
I really don't believe I am making excuses. There is simply nothing I can do to move the ball forward. After he filed and before I answered, I told him in an email that I just wanted to be done and out and that we could revisit the terms of the agreement from long ago if that would help him be ready to end it. Dead silence.
I think he will keep taking baby steps as this one forces him to act. But as I said previously, if they break up before we are done, he will not see this through and I will have to wait for the next woman to come along and hope that she is the one for whom he can let go.
Yes, I'm doing what I can to live my life. But, I can't sell the house or move (need the divorce or an agreement for that), I can't even buy a new car or take a vacation without telling him about it (financial restraining order that was automatically entered). I'm trying to change my attitude about this stuff and find pleasure in my day-to-day life, but when he is driving by the house, messing with my memberships to things, poking at me and the kids every day, and just constantly reminding us that he is there, it is hard to get past it. I've raised these issues with my lawyer, she assures me there is nothing I can do to stop them.
Although I don't have much exposure to his life, I can see that he is spinning hard and fast now. One minute he is sending FOO videos that suggest he knows what is wrong with him, the next minute he is mopey and sad, then asking twenty questions about their lives, then chastising them for not answering, then minutes later he sends them lovely dovey texts about how much he loves them and misses them. They are sick of his games. They are not willing to take the text crumbs he gives them. They have told him that again and again. Daughter has made it clear she does not want him to be any part of her life and she is over 18 so she can. Son has told him that he does not want to see dad anymore unless he is a priority in dad's life and dad sees him regularly. But still he does not ask to see them.
He is moving in with the OW, but sending pokes and emails to my online profile which go unread and without response. He is taking steps to make sure I am embarrassed when I go to use this membership card or that and which are intended to let me know he changed his address to her house. I have not responded. He is sending texts to the kids to make it clear he is driving by the house and noting changes.
What do I want Andrew? I want to be divorced from him and I want him to leave me alone. I want to help my son excel in school and go to the college of his choice. Then I want to move far away from here to an address he does not have and live my life with him firmly in the rear view mirror. Countdown to that day: 967.
Ugh - how exhausting! Makes me grateful that my ex, when he finally did leave, filed pretty promptly and even though it did take another 1 1/2 years to finish everything, he wasn't too crazy to deal with.
One thing to consider though - with the possibility of this long timeline hanging over you - do NOT put anything in your life on hold because of it. Get out there and live. Have adventures. Learn new skills. If I've learned anything from this cancer business with CMM it's that you never know what life is going to throw at you so get busy living. I'm grateful that I DID start dating sooner rather than later, and had the adventures that I did when I did. Don't waste these years waiting for the divorce to be done. Get out and have fun.
You have obviously thought through things thoroughly
I have a story to share
A friend had his w leave him and his children five years ago
She moved in with OM
She has refused to divorce him
Court not helpful
But like you he was able to move on
He is a great single dad
He works and coaches and dates too
I know you have got this
Despite all the shenanigans
Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids 2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong 2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2 2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
OneArt, Your posts are exactly what I expected. You are thorough, thoughtful, and clearheaded.
You are in a bit of bind with H and his antics. Not much you can do ex except meander along looking towards the inevitable goal. It will happen, eventually - 967 days. Wow.
Live life full and let him be.
You got this.
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
A conversation with my heart (that really is how I think of him).
I went to pick him up from an overnight camping adventure this weekend. On the way back he shared that there was a girl there who was very needy and did not shut up. I said hey, you've had that problem too, I hope you showed her some compassion. He said she is a child of a divorce so it is probably from that. I said you are a child of divorce so you can show her some empathy. He said at least she gets to spend time with both of her parents. I said sometimes that can be harder you know. He said at least she has access to both of her parents. I said you have access to your father. He said, I have access to [insert father's full name], and then he said wait, I have access to Dr. [insert father's full name]. I do not have access to my father and I do not have access to a father. I thought for a moment and couldn't really think of anything else to say, so I said at least you have a kick a$$ mother.
I spent three days alone. I didn't go anywhere and I didn't see anyone. I holed up with the cat; so grateful for the time to myself. I cried almost the whole time and worked through a lot of feelings. In that time, I came to understand why he moved in with OW2 and her children. It must have been awful for him the time he was alone with nothing left but his feelings. I am a strong person and I know I have the love and support of my children, but it was all I could do to get through. He is a depressed person with a likely mental illness and multiple addictions who walked away from his life, his perception of himself and the people who love him. I understood him in that moment and I felt his pain. I hope that the compassion I feel for him will help us both through the next stage. I think I am ready to do this in a way that won't make him feel worse about himself. I guess that will be my final gift to him.
I understood him in that moment and I felt his pain.
That moment provides such clarity, and yet muddies things up so much. All at once you see the cause, the reason, the pain, the fear - you understand, you love completely, you forgive.
I am happy for you and a little sad, just like for myself. You are a thoughtful, kind, and compassionate women - don’t fear your feelings - own them.
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Oh my goodness, as I was sitting a then kitchen table, just now, typing about understanding, and W walked by on the road in front of my house. I stand by my words - once you understand you love and forgive - completely.
Wow, it has been a cold and overcast weekend, with rain and snow, early this year. Just as I type the word completely in the sentence above, a small window within the cloud covered sky opened and sun beamed down.
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Originally Posted by OneArt
I hope that the compassion I feel for him will help us both through the next stage. I think I am ready to do this in a way that won't make him feel worse about himself. I guess that will be my final gift to him.
That is beautiful. It is the absolute best you will be.
My dear friend (((OneArt)))
DnJ
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
