I so wish I could meet you in person and cry to you, because thats all I do everytime I read your responses. They make me feel so much better but also really face the sitch in front of me. I have made the mistake of allowing him my friendship. Being nice to him, allowing our time together to be a little enjoyable sometimes. I think for a while I felt like if we could reconnect, he would see what he was throwing away. And sometimes I felt like it was working, and sometimes I felt like it allowed him to cake eat. Now I dont even know what im doing.
He told me once a few months ago that he will never be able to look at me as just a friend and that he will never be able to think of me with another guy....yet Ive had no choice but to think of him with OW.When you said yesterday we are in a cycle, you are definitely right. Weve been in a cycle for months now, split up, I kick him out, he comes back, but not fully for our marriage, cycle repeats itself. Right now, im in the point in the cycle when ALL I want to do is cling. I want to text him RIGHT NOW and say come over. We dont have to talk, just give me a hug.
Hes just the only person I want right now. I want him to hold me while I cry and I want him to see what hes done. I know I cant do this. But its all I want to do. And I want him to come back and I know it would only start this cycle all over again. I know he will not come back unless he is ready to, if he ever is.
I truly hope I dont feel like this long. I dont know how you went 10 months knowing he was with someone else. I feel like thats what im starting right now. And this is the 2nd OW. But the other was in a different city so things were very different. This time, this woman who he still denies, lives here. Works at the bar he goes to, I am pretty certain they spend every day together. I know my H. I know how he operates. And the fact that he agreed so willfully to us having a schedule in place, although I am relieved, it also is nothing like him. 3 weeks ago I brought up a schedule and he hysterically cried and left. Now just a measly 3 weeks later hes completely fine with it. Its like hes just decided he really loves his life outside of this.
I am trying. I promise. I am trying to GAL and focus on me. I just dont know how to shut it off. I work full time 8-5 from home, but since having the baby I have in my parents in home office and my mom watches the baby so I can still breastfeed, etc. But my mom is out of town right now, so I am working as well as at home with the baby. Its a lot, yet my mind is still occupied with H. All i think all day is how he is probably texting her when he gets a chance. Going to see her after work. Her and her young daughter, instead of his W and our baby.
I have said all along I wanted to handle this with grace, and I think I have. But its like its just made it SO easy for him. No consequences whatsoever for him. I hope you are right, I hope he will miss his old life at some point, because he IS the jerk who left his W and baby, he just doesnt see it that way somehow.
I appreciate all of you, and Blu you have NO idea how helpful your posts are. I am going to go back through and re-read over and over. Thank you
