I know this is very true, and she is literally everything I live for. But I just am feeling SO down and out right now. I feel hopeless in every aspect almost. I think I was holding on to hope much more than I even knew, and now that we’re not texting at all and communication seems so much less, I’m really struggling more than I have. It’s almost like when he comes over the last few days, it’s just content. He is pulling away for sure and I feel it a whole lot. I had to just go for a drive. I felt like I was going to crumble. I truly don’t think he has ANY idea how much he has hurt me and continues hurting me. I think he really thinks I’m doing ok. I’m getting out and doing new things and I think he’s under the impression that I’m ok. And I’m so not ok.
I always thought that if either of us ever were to hurt the other, I would want it to be him hurting me. Because I felt like I’d never be able to live with myself if I ever hurt him. He just has always loved me SO much. I couldn’t imagine putting him through any hurt and I always felt like I could handle it better on my end and I could be strong. And here we are and I just never knew this is how it would feel. Mind you, at BD 5 months pregnant a year ago, I was a bigger mess. I couldn’t work, I had to take a few days off. I would wake up and cry in the shower. I was losing so much weight my doctor wanted me in the hospital on iv’s bc I was dehydrated. I was supposed to be gaining weight and lost 20 pounds during pregnancy. It was really bad. But then he came home 3 weeks later and I started to get better. And now he hasnt been living here about 3 weeks-a month now, and we’re talking casually about him getting his own place. And I can tell he doesn’t want to discuss it. He changes the subject so quickly, and I think it’s bc he doesn’t want to face getting his own place. He probably stays with th OW right now and it’s easy for him. Getting his own place will require responsibility and it’s like he doesn’t want that. I don’t know. I just know I feel like I’ll never come out of this sadness. Really looking forward to IC Wednesday
I want to correct you on your thinking here because this is damaging to your perspective. This is very important. He is not thinking about you and how this is affecting you! He is not having the A or leaving the M with the intention of hurting you or punishing you. His only goal is to avoid you and avoid dealing with you because he is imagining a better life elsewhere. This is why we call them aliens and say they are in lala land. He is not thinking about YOU right now. He is completely self absorbed right now. You are merely an obstacle for him to run away freely. Let him run. Remove yourself from his way and he will eventually fall over. You are too good to play this sort of game with life. Rise above.
Blu
“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
