You have so many awesome posters in your corner. I should have posted here after my BD and found this support, and you deserve credit for your bravery. You are so open, honest and vulnerable. I admire that about you. I am sure I would have written many of the same posts as you do now, but I couldn't. I had so much fear and shame, so I read other stories and found the help and support there. So for every 2*4 I swing now, I am really swinging it at my old fragile self. I don't judge you or anyone for their struggles.
lost8, I agree, would like to meet up with some of you guys too! I know there are several posters that have found one another on FB, but I am not sure how that worked and they found one another. Most likely they made a comment on here that offered some transparency in their users names. Maybe they even changed their FB user name to different words for a short period of time and shared it here.
kech, if you lived near me, I would take you for a coffee and you could cry your heart out to me. Mondays are hard. Mornings are hard. It's all so hard, isn't it :-( Sometimes I wonder how I survived the pain. There were nights I took handfuls of pills just to turn my mind off for a moment. and sleep. There were some days too. You see, I can give all the advice here, but I will never pretend I did everything right. I have made so many mistakes and hurt myself. I still do at times.
I think your crying is a good sign though. You are allowing the grief in and that is how we begin to move forward on this journey. Sometimes the anxiety and depression can set in so hard, it can be a challenge just to get through the day. Are you working now or mostly home with baby? There is some new research out that suggests it is much more difficult to be a stay at home parent than go to work. If you struggle just getting through the day, you could try making lists and then crossing things off as you do them. Put everything on there: cry, feed baby, empty dishwasher, call bestie, pay phone bill, play with baby, make favorite salad, fav GAL activity, cry, use the bathroom ;-))) But seriously, making a daily list can create some focus in the day and you also can see how much you are actually getting done. When your mind starts spinning, let yourself thought stop and go to said list.
I know what you mean about the lack of contact and that fear in the silence. So after BD (those dummies got caught hanging out) my H did not leave right away. There was a couple weeks where I oscillated between rage/lashing out, and desperation/pleading, and he was present and accommodating. While I was shattered to learn about the A, he still wasn't gone in my mind, because he was there, and he was sorry. I can tell you now though, that he was totally gone. Even though he was feeling guilty and would hold me at night and cry and apologize, he was still gone. My impatience with the situation, and my gut feeling that he wasn't fully committed to making our M work lead to me finally saying, "If you are not 100% in this marriage and family, then just get out now." And so he did. He just left. That started the 9-10 months of him being gone and their R together.
It still took me several months to calm down and learn to follow the rules better, GAL, 180, and start the detachment process. I remember there were days and even weeks or months, when we could barely see each other or communicate. We have 3 kids and the oldest teen at the time had to be sent to wilderness and therapeutic boarding school while we were separated, so I couldn't go dark, but I kept it to the absolute minimum. He was never going to get friendship from me. But those silences were hard because my mind would just go to every unimaginable place of despair. It didn't have to be that way though. I could have done a better job at taking care of myself. The space and time is a good thing and it is very necessary in this process.
Let him go. Let him be. He will do what he is going to do anyways, even if you try and hold him back, so at least keep your pride. Even if you were texting occasionally, allowing him to temp check, or allowing some family time with cake, it would not fix this. If anything you would be putting your heart and your ego on the line. You are too good for that. You deserve better than allowing him to use you and absolve his guilt while he is off being a selfish jerk. This is your time and time is on your side. He can go into the real (chitty world) he has created of affairs, drinking at the bars, and being that guy that left his W and baby. You might choose to believe that he is living it up, but I am telling you, he will miss his old life at some point.
Your goal is not to wait for that but to start living yours without him. My girls are now 20, 14, and 8. When I see little babies and toddlers, I am completely fascinated by them and their development. Savor this time with that baby. It does go by so, so fast. And you get to hold your head up high and be the better person in this sitch. You take pride in the mom and wife you are. He is the fool, and the higher the road you take now, the more foolish he will be in the end.
Blu
“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
