Newbie who is a mess

[Sansa]

So I never followed up on checking up on the supposedly other woman. Got back into town and have been busy and tired from driving and just decided to let it go. Saw the H yesterday, he came home and made my sister and I a cocktail that he had barrel aged and wanted our opinions. He seemed to be in a pretty good mood and we talked about my trip to see my parents and he asked about them. I was afraid but I thought the timing was good and told him my Dad asked when they were going to see him. H replied that he was open to going to see them.

I am a bit confused because I am reading the DR and the chapter on MLC, sounds a lot like my H’s situation and MWD recommends just backing off entirely, not to talk about R, future plans, MC....feelings etc. basically I have to buckle up for the rollercoaster ride. The first few chapters I worked on what I needed from H, how&when to ask, but now I am undecided if I should just throw that out the window. I guess I just have to try and see what works and what doesnt, I guess I just dont want to make a mistake and make the M worse.

I am definitely detaching and giving him a lot of space and trying to be pleasant, doing things for him to show I appreciate him, and taking care of myself. So I guess now I just have to wait and see. We are going away in 3 weeks to see my S at his boarding school to celebrate his 18th bday. I am hoping it will be a good trip, and remind H of how great it is to be together. That’s my update for now, any thoughts would be greatly appreciated.

[Sansa]

I am reeling.....
My sister left today and my H asked if we could talk....he said we havent talked since the
Dbomb was dropped (my words) really talked and I braced myself. He asked me if I wanted to go to MC with him, which suprised me since we both hated the last time yrs ago. Quite frankly I am afraid, but I told him I would go but only if he was going NOT to say look I went to therapy and tried and it didnt work so therefore lets divorce. In other words that he was just appeasing me. He said he wouldn’t be going if he wasnt open but also said this does not mean that he can promise me anything. He said he wanted us to communicate better.....but that he is unhappy. I really dont know of any good MC who are pro marriage, I’m so desperate I was thinking of paying$$$ and having sessions with Michelle Davis in the flesh. My heart is hurting,but we had to have this conversation eventually and I was hoping his feelings have changed but he is still serious. I feel sick, we have to get on the phone with son in boarding school and I hope I can act normal,the thought of our family breaking apart makes me sick. Feeling scared.

[ovrrnbw]

Hi Sansa,

I know that feeling. I've been up and down the roller coaster quite a few times. You're still early in your sitch, so you're going to feel it more.

What were the words that were said when you stated the the "Dbomb was dropped"?

When he brings up wanted to communicate better and that he is unhappy, did you validate those feelings? Search around, talk the counselors on the phone first, or get a recommendation from a priest. Michele Weiner Davis does the 1 or 2 day intensives I think, not the one hour once a week things.

What are your goals for everything? What do you think his are?

[Sansa]

Thanks for youre reply. My heart hurts.
When I brought up the Dbomb...my H said it was a RELIEF to say it...which hurts..
I told him I was suprised but glad he wanted to go to MC, we spoke about some of our issues, and we didnt fight or get defensive but we both realized that we were misreading some things, and my H said this is why we need to learn to communicate.
We sat on the couch together and held hands and I told him no matter what I would always love him and that I felt fortunate to have had him as my H. Not sure if that was wise. He asked me to look for a therapist. I am scared that it is too late, and i said since he didnt tell me he was unhappy and i couldnt fix what i was unaware about that he would at least try in counseling to work on the M.

[Sansa]

Sorry ovrrnbw,



did not answer youre question,,,,I think my H’s goals for therapy are getting better at communicating, but other than that im not sure,

My goals are that there will be some uncovering of some things we did wrong to get to where we are, also for some solutions and just to help me get to a better place than i am now. As in if things dont work out that I will be able to get to a place of peace....acceptance? Did you’re MC help? Im wondering if it is too late. i need some hope.

[ovrrnbw]

I went to 2 MC sessions with my W. Back in April I believe she was just doing that to say she did it. In July we went to one more session, but then she was gone the next week.

I believe it would help, but you need 2 people to commit to getting better for it to work.

I'm still not clear on who said what about the "Dbomb".

Normally, telling your WAS that you love them no matter what is inadvisable b/c it solidifies yo as the backup plan. But in your case, maybe it worked. You have him wanting to go with you so that's good.

[burned]

Your sitch may be different because H is saying he's cooperative. But words aren't actions.

My experience with MC involved similar vocabulary. First, she agreed to do it, "to figure out why this happened to us" and to help her "decide" whether she wanted to recommit. She had decided to leave the MR long, long ago.

I also got the "relief" story. The relief was that finally she would get what she had wanted for a while, plus getting it in the context of "letting me down gently" via MC and the whole "we tried our best" baloney.

MC was just more pressure/pursuit. In the end she felt less cruddy about herself and I felt worse than ever. The end of MC was basically BD #2.

Just being the devil's advocate here.

[Sansa]

Ovrrnbw ...my H said he meant it when he dropped the Dbomb,and it was a relief and he feel horrible about the pain he is causing me...he had tears in his eyes, and I said i would rather be in his shoes than mine..and since that I have been gone...traveling, visiting my parents, having my sister here etc. so we really havent spoken about the hard stuff until yesterday when he initiated it. He said we are NOT talking and I said i thought we were going to take a deep breath after dropping my son off at boarding school...in any event he brought up the MC. To be truthful I was hoping that time away would change his mind but he seems to be standing his ground. Would love to know how you are doing now, how long ago did youre W leave? I am hoping MC gives me some peace about D my H, I read that couples feel like it helped them but I am skeptical.

BURNED...after H said her would go to counseling I told him I would do some research but he said he wanted a recommendation from my therapist who he knows. I really think he will go but quite frankly I am fearful mostly because it will come out how unhappy he has been and all the negative stuff about me etc...and they feel like arrows to my heart. I am sorry for you’re situation. If you dont mind me asking how long have you been S? D? Are you doing better? Did you go to IC? Did it help get you through? I read it takes 5yrs after a divorce to feel healed...

I told him that I wont go if he is just going there to appease me and nothing else and he said he would not do that.
We sat on the couch and held hands and we talked about seeing my parents in the next few weeks and staying with my sister and her H while there. Also spoke about getting our son visiting my parents and his D over Xmas break. Both of our dads are elderly. He was very cooperative about future plans and said no matter what we had to be united when it came to dealing with our son. Which I feel like I am not that kind of person but i know divorce can bring out the ugly in people.

I asked him if he minded holding me in bed last night which he said , of course I dont mind. He was rubbing my shoulders, I know i was not in DB mode but I kind of feel like its not worth the effort. But yet going to MC gives me a shred of hope. Right now I honestly feel like leaving, just ditching all the pain and crushed feelings and going back to my hometown and getting on with my life instead of dragging this out and being with him day to day. It hurts like nothing I have ever experienced.

[Sansa]

Saw my therapist yesterday, and he thought it was very positive that my H was open to MC. He said that even though the H is giving me some mixed messages,i.e. still might want to D, but still planning trips together (to see my parents), that he still loves me...but doesnt feel romantic towards me...buys me gifts etc, .....that he is confused and that I need to stay patient and not focus on my terrified feelings of profound sadness, self loathing and an identity crisis.

So today I am applying to get my cosmetology license updated and then apply for a job asap. I am scared to go back to a job, my job has been a mom to my son for the last 18 yrs. i am going to go part time to start. I go back to tutoring one hr a week and start my Spanish lessons tomorrow evening. I think this is a good start to GAD.

I also feel like the dust is settling with getting me son onto boarding school and now that he is gone I feel like my identity is gone. I no longer have a job of being his mom and it hurts. I know at his new school they are caring for him well but I still yearn to be with him like we were everyday, although it was HARD because he is on the autism spectrum.
And now my H seems to want out, my heart just hurts from it all and i feel like im drowning in pain.

Does anyone have any success stories about MC, specifically when things looked bad?

[Sansa]

Been a few days since I have posted, I caught a cold this weekend i think after I tutored at the middle school which is. A germ incubator. My H went to a wedding of a friend where he was bartending, he invited me but I declined because he would be working and I would not now a soul. And I am trying to give him some space.

I found us a therapist who specializes in Emotionally focused therapy...Never heard of it before but I spoke with the Dr and told him a bit about our situation and he said he has had a lot of success with this kind of therapy. I am scared but hopeful. My personal therapist wants me to do 4 mores sessions with him before I start with MC, he wants to put me on new antidepressants. I also started journaling and am trying to start a book club to keep myself busy.

My H asked me to sign some legal papers giving me Power of Attorney if he is incapacitated or dies, and also asked me to sign papers so we could write off our Charity givings. I know i should not look into things but I cant help but think why sign these papers if he is planning on divorcing me? Just seems weird.

We are leaving in 2 weeks to see our son, and I have tried to be pleasant around my H, he is stressed out and overworked and seems irritable. I feel like im walking on eggshells sometimes, and then if I fall asleep and he is still up he seems pissed that I have gone to sleep. I am getting mixed messages from him.
I got a new haircut and i am trying to look nice and getting out of the house more to be with friends. I made a pot of soup this morning and plan on being gone when he gets home. i also plan on working part time when i get my license in the mail and can job hunt. I know it has to be for me and not him..but it is hard.