Thank you thank you thank you. I read this outloud to a friend of mine, the only friend I’ve told about my sitch, and as I read it, we both cried.
I came home and told H I want to do a schedule of Tuesday, Thursday and Friday nights he can have a few hours with her and then Sundays. I told him I think it gives us both time alone with her and will help us moving forward. He said ok. So now that’s our schedule. I of course was terrified to do it, afraid he would bring up divorce. Which he still might, but I know I have to let go of my fear. I have to let go of the marriage all together. Easier said than done. But I think him not coming every night to see her will help me move forward in this. And of course I hope it allows him to feel the loss a little more. He doesn’t want to be a family so he shouldn’t get to live every night like we’re a family.
I will be able to schedule my time a little better now, etc. I can’t believe how nervous it all makes me to confront him about things. When that used to never affect me. It’s all so strange. I’m so afraid of what he will say next because I’m so sick of being sad. And he knows exactly what to say to get to me and he will do it and it hurts. But I made the schedule. I did it. One step closer to living for ME. I also told him today that once he gets his own place we can discuss scheduling but that she will not be sleeping at his house until she’s at least a year. As she’s still nursing. But even if she wasn’t. I’m putting my foot down when it comes to her, and if he doesn’t agree then he can take it where he needs to take it.
He wanted out of this marriage, it’s time for him to start feeling the repercussions of that. I’m still being nice, I’m not being mean. I’m probably being too nice. But i do believe it is time for him to start feeling the loss of all this and for me to stop making this so easy for him. Bending and breaking my back just in hopes I don’t upset him and push him closer to OW. Giving him more freedom terrifies me, but it also gives me more freedom, which needs to be more important to me than the fear I feel about him and OW. I’m seeing the light, I think!
