My dear, you are still spinning, and it's sad to watch. I feel you, girl. I can relate to everything you say. If I could go back and give former self myself advice, I would. If I could do things differently post BD, I would. I cannot go back in time, but I can tell you now what I think. I really don't have anything new or different to add, but perhaps I can reword some of what I have already said.
You continue to focus on him and OW and mindread. It's not working. You honestly have no idea what is going on between them and so there is no reason to constantly think about it. You mentioned more than once that before you told him you knew about OW 2 weeks ago things were going so good and you were making progress. Please listen carefully when I say, "no, you were not." He may have been acting in a more pleasant manor, but you were not making progress, he was not moving closer to R, and you did not do anything to cause the change. There are many reasons that waywards can act more pleasant (or more moody/angry), and it is not a direct correlation to his feelings for you or his feelings for OW. There were times my H wanted to come home and I had no idea! There were also (many times) that their R was full of drama (she was very needy and insecure), and again I had no idea. He was on his own journey and things unfolded and I could not control that. Me knowing more, would have only hurt me.
I have told you this before but I tried to play this same game and figure all this out. I was wrong! The times he was pleasant, were not the times he was closer to R. The times he was more defensive or distant, were not the times he was moving further away (he was already gone). And his mood, or lack of reaching out, was no indication of where his R stood with OW. Trust me on this! You have no idea what the dynamic is between them, so there is no reason to think about it and make assumptions. AND, if in the off chance, you are correct, and yes, things between them are going great right now, well then what??? You feel worse about your sitch and worse about yourself.
Take your power back. Only you can get yourself unstuck We can all tell you the same things every day, but it is going to take some will power, strength, and grit to start moving in a better direction now. You CAN do it. You just have to make the decision to do it and then put in the hard work. Then, and only then, you can start to feel better. You will also start to gain some confidence and knowing that you can do this.
I am not really a fan of the term limbo. I read a lot of posters saying that they are in limbo and how hard it is. I think it's far better, to kick that thinking, and see things for how they are. The marriage is over. Dead. Gone. Done. Maybe you are M on paper, but that is about it. The only reason it feels like limbo, is because you are hanging on. You are sitting there waiting for him to come back. It won't work. I am sorry. Once you accept that the M is dead, you can start to grieve the end of it and move on.
I think it's time to worry less about what he's doing and if he's coming back, and begin to create a life without him, assuming he is never coming back. My sitch didn't turn around until I adopted that attitude. Think about it from this angle. you cannot make him come back. You cannot make him do anything. And why would he really want to come back when he knows he can just walk all over you? He doesn't respect you anymore. You gain respect from other people by respecting yourself first. This all is a process and takes time. Then maybe down the road, he will see what he is missing out on.
You want to know how long this can take? For some people it can take years. Can you really spend the next year torturing yourself like this? My H had an EA with OW for about 8 months and then BD (I found out and he left the house), then when we separated he had a full on R/PA with her for about 10 months. That is a long time. And still, after him being back for so long now, I can tell you, it is not the same. It will never be the same. .... But you cannot get those first months and years back with your baby; she is here now and let her be your focus, every little milestone should be treasured. You dont need him for that.
Just start with the acceptance and grieving. A daily cry. Then some GAL and 180. The another cry. You can soothe yourself and that also creates confidence. I am a much stronger and more independent person now because of what I went through! And when you start to think about him and OW, imagine they are 2 containers of leftovers, stick them in the back of the fridge, and deal with them later. Let that time get longer and longer and one day you will be ready to throw it out.
... oh, and please don't come back with how you have to see him all the time for the baby and he comes/goes/cancels, etc, because you really can create a schedule and stop that nonsense. Email. Agree. Stick to it. No flexing. You can do that. Then you know, these 3-4 times per week, he has her, they have their time, you have yours, and no more drama.
Take a little step out of the spin cycle. One day at a time. Blu
“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
