Ovrrnbw, thanks for your understanding. You know I sometimes don't answer or say I'm busy and my husband gets so mad, but it's usually because there's a specific question he needs answered. For the most part I answer and talk to him when he asks to talk but it's very minimal communication. I'll try to see if I can reduce it even more.
Jim, thanks for pointing out that it's a non-linear process. My situation is still better than it was before but the multiple anniversary reminders are so traumatizing. We were so happy before. We were inseparable. It's still a shock to compare our old life to what's happening now. Anyway yes it seems like a cheeseless tunnel to save the marriage. I think we all order the DB book because we want to save the marriage and I still want to save it, but following the DB guidelines hasn't achieved that outcome. That doesn't mean I will start to pursue and have relationship talks but it just means I need to identify the next best approach moving forward. I don't think my husband will return under the current circumstances but I feel he may try to return if he gets burned in enough relationships and dates enough hot 20 year olds to realize it's not the fantasy life he expected. If he reaches a point in the future where he realizes his life with our daughter and I is better than running around with whichever 20 year old he picks up at a bar then he may try to return, but that seems like a good couple of years from now. As mentioned if I knew that someone like my husband can be rehabilitated and can go back to being a wonderful husband after putting in hard work and re-committing I'd probably wait, but I need expert advice on whether a serial-cheater who keeps failing in his career and wasting money is likely to change. When my husband first left it was only for eight weeks but now this has been going on for years. I read that MLC's can last 5 - 7 years so maybe this is one explanation and he'll someday get out of the MLC, but there are a lot of uncertainties. That's why I'll try to see a therapist and look for more advice to figure out the best way forward. I'll keep trying to save my daughter and myself in the meantime.
KitKat, thanks for outlining the positives. That does help. Yes we have to co-parent and five months isn't that long although it's been three years since this all started. I tried to follow DB guidelines from September of last year but I got really sick physically and just surviving became more important than DB. Last November my husband was apologizing, then he met the woman he started dating when he wanted a divorce, then I finally moved in April, then he got nice again, and now he seems to be dating someone again so he's backed off with the reconciliation hints.
All, today my husband came briefly to visit our daughter. I had to sit nearby because we met in our building's club room because my husband is sick and we didn't want him to come into the apartment. He kept trying to ask me how my job is going, how I like the new car he sent, and about general things. Then he asked how much is the rent in my building and how far is the commute to where he'll be working. I gave him brief answers to everything but seriously? He's thinking of renting an apartment in my building? If he tries to do that I will have to say something. I don't want to see him in the hallways bringing home trashy women 15 years younger than me and I don't think our daughter should see that either.
I tried to remind myself tonight that a lot of my thoughts are based on my imagination because I have no idea what my husband is actually thinking or doing. Maybe he has good intentions for wanting to move here to be near our daughter but having him an hour away is already bad. Having him here in the building is just not an option.
I'm planning to take my daughter to Europe for an extended trip next summer so whatever happens I'm hoping I'll feel better when I go on that trip. I have many close friends in the particular destination where we're headed and I'd even consider staying there permanently if I can convince my husband to let our daughter stay there.
Anyway, it's a difficult time but I'll work hard to get professional guidance and I assume I'll know more about what will happen as my husband plans his move to this area. Thanks again everyone.
