Hi Jim, thanks for your input. It's hard to gauge the level of attachment. We went from living together and managing our lives together just over a year ago to not speaking at all except about really essential practical matters that come from him. I called him once since April and that was on a night when our daughter was really ill and it would have cost a lot out-of-pocket to take her to the emergency room. That's the only time I called. All other interactions came from him and my responses were positive and pleasant but brief. I feel like I'm floating in space and any remaining attachment exists only in my mind.
I'm planning to seek counseling to figure out how to move forward. As I've been mentioning, the current approach isn't working. DB may have helped prevent a divorce but that's different than fixing a marriage, especially when the couple lives separately and one is likely actively in another relationship. I'm interested in getting some opinions as to whether someone like my husband can be 'rehabilitated' in the next 10 or 20 years. There are some differences between our situation and many here. My husband has been in relationships with two or more women in the last few years, so he's a serial cheater. He's left twice. He's failed in several areas of his life and he doesn't seem to be making changes to do better. He's also from another culture, as much as that doesn't matter, but it does in some ways. If someone like that is unable and unlikely to change then staying married won't alleviate my pain nor will it provide any incentive for my husband to change.
I would still do nearly anything to save my marriage if there's a chance to save it, but all these anniversaries - one year since he left again, ten years since he entered this country, almost ten years since we married, etc.. are a stark reminder of how great our lives together used to be and how hopeful we were about our future. Even last night I had a dream and we were together as a normal married couple as is still the case in most dreams. But I don't think the path I'm on towards saving my marriage is the right one.
All these anniversaries are making me feel much worse lately. This morning my husband called my daughter and told her he's flying here tonight and then asked to speak with me. He said he's planning to stop by to see our daughter on his way to his parents' house. I told him I already have plans, which I do, and he said he'll call later when he sees what time he gets in to ask if there's any chance to see our daughter. What can I say?There's no chance? She wants to see him and he wants to see her, so I can't stop that from happening, but I'm also not going to re-arrange my plans just because he decided to fly here today.
The worse news is my husband called his week and said it looks like he got the job here in our area that's close to his parents. He was happy and excited. I said "Great! Congratulations! I'm sure your family is happy about that." But I'm not happy. I don't want him to move here to this area. I don't want to see him more often or be reminded that he's nearby. I moved here to start over and now if he's going to be here that's going to make it harder to solidify everything I worked so hard to re-build in my life. I wish my husband and daughter could be closer and that he'd be a better father but he's so unreliable that I fear getting our daughter further entwined in his life will make her more confused. Selfishly it's also hard to accept the two of them being together more often while I'm excluded. Even with a great career and a full social calendar I'd drop everything to be with my loved ones but it feels like a punishment to left alone while they see each other more often.
For all these reasons I'll address these issues with a professional counselor and I'll re-assess my prospects and which approach seems most appropriate at this time and place. Since I've found in the past that counselors don't always have the best advice either I'll seek out additional resources and I'd be grateful for feedback from this board as well. The main issue I find here is that the same words of "move on" and "detach" help up until a certain point and then they no longer do. I feel really lonely after these three-and-a-half years of fighting for my marriage and trying to move on. Maybe I'm depressed. I'm not sure, but the usual advice and approaches from the DB book just don't seem to help anymore.
Sorry for such a negative sounding message but I guess significant anniversaries really do affect some of us more than we anticipate.
