Its weird because I feel VERY confident in myself. I think when this all happened, me being pregnant REALLY did a number on me. I think I felt insecure before getting pregnant because I wasnt in the best shape and I had a miscarriage just 2 months before and it was REALLY hard for me. And then H left for his job 2 weeks after we found out I was pregnant, and then just a few months later was BD, and my hormones during pregnancy had me ALL over the place. I look back at that and just wish SO bad I had immediately told him to kick rocks. SO BAD. When I found out about OW, I told him to pack his sh*t and get out. Had I stuck to it, I would be in a MUCH different position right now, and I wish I had. But he would ALWAYS cry his way right back and promise it would never happen again. I was in an awful position about to give birth to our first child, we just bought a house, it was a lot.

It wasnt really me being insecure in myself as much as me just having a dream of our family and loving him so much I believed when he said he would do whatever it took to make us work. And I believed it multiple more times. And now were at a point where for the first time in a few years im actually extremely confident in myself, my body, where my life can go, but I MISS him. I miss him So much, and I hate that hes with OW and it feels debilitating almost. Its like im hanging on with my words on here, but im not hanging on in my actions to him. But I know its all an act, and I need to feel it. When I get angry with him, like when I would see his car at the bar, I would literally be like F HIM, IM SO MUCH BETTER THAN THIS. etc. But now that im not snooping im not really angry and getting worked up. Im just missing the old him and with the holidays coming up and we have a new baby I am sad for what will be missed. etc.

As far as the joking and all that, I think I felt like maybe we were starting a new relationship to rebuild. I was wrong. Always. It never lasted. He never wanted it enough. And right now were not doing much communicating at all so I guess thats for the best.