Steve thank you for that analogy. That is helpful. I definitely do not want to go back to pursuit in any way. I just cant believe how hard of a time I am having with this. When I got home last night H was asleep on the couch with D, like he is every night. And I woke him up and said I would put D in her crib. And as I was putting her in the crib, he left without saying bye. And I went into my room and stood there for a minute just thinking to myself "well there goes another day of us just barely talking."

And when he got here I know he wanted to talk to me just about his day and random family things and I pulled away. But now were in such a weird place that I knew I wouldnt hear from him after he left and I knew I wouldnt hear from him this morning. So it was kind of like wow, this is what this feels like. And i just thought to myself, they really arent kidding when they say be patient. Because these days are really tough, I dont know how many of them I can take. Us not moving forward together, not having conflict, not really getting along wonderfully, just kind of stand still.

A few months ago we had a week or so where we were texting so much throughout the day and just joking with one another like we used to and I remember thinking wow. Maybe this space has been good for us. Maybe we are going to just start over and make this work. And then something would happen and that would stop. And then one week back in June I think, we had a few days where he expressed that he doesnt want to think about me with someone else and he was afraid I was seeing someone. And somehow we ended up texting for hours and sending eachother pics and just being really open with one another. And then that started up our sexual relationship again for a few weeks. Then something happened and I asked him to leave again. Then he came back and then his dad moved in with us for a bit and then I kicked him out again and then so on and so on. Since our original "separation" in April, we have just gone back and forth constantly and there just seems to always be something happening between us. Whether good or bad, but always something. I was very relevant in his life, I was still a player in the game. And now it feels like, ok, I KNOW now that he is seeing someone else, and although he has had this serious anger towards me the last week, all of a sudden it calmed down the last 4 days, and im feeling very stagnant. Very much like hes found his place in his life outside of this and hes just ok right now. He feels like hes going to get his own place soon, and hes got this other life, and hes just goign to make this all work and hes not really worried about anything it seems.

I think im SO caught up on just 2 weeks ago TODAY him coming over so many times, and telling me how sorry he is and how much he wished he handled his unhappiness differently and he hates leaving us and all that. Its like how does someone say those things and then as soon as I call him out about OW its as if im the bad guy and he totally flips the script. Just 2 weeks ago I really felt like we were FINALLY on the right track, and now I feel worse than I have in months. Its crazy. But I do deep down feel like im at a crossroads right now. Im at a place where I have said I want to be. Where I just have some time to let the dust settle. As much as I feel terrified to just let him go live this life with OW and fall more and more from her as him and I talk less and less. I am at a point where I have to truly be patient. Im so used to doing things and them igniting a reaction from him very quickly. Its like I pull away for a day and by the next morning I can usually feel him trying to pull me back. And for the first time, he isnt doing that. And im thinking wow, he doesnt care bc he has someone else.

And I need to realize this is going to take time and i need to really do things for myself. I just have a lot to realize I think. I have an appointment with IC next Wednesday and I am really excited about it. I need an outlet in person.