"I can see why you would be concerned with that. However, I am willing to do whatever you need to have done for you post-op, however, due to our past I am still a little fearful about being taken advantage of."
You validated. Then you told her how you feel.
You are in a tricky period 44. Moving on from MR problems into piecing and R is fraught with peril. You have to juggle the delicate balancing act of continuing to DB but also knowing when to NOT DB when appropriate. It isn't easy. At all. It is an art not a science. The actions of a LBS when they are moving towards piecing and R can make or break that movement.
But let me tell you, this reminds me of my W's first EA in 2005. Found out about it in the fall. She immediately sent a no contact email to EAP, which he was very open to since he didn't want me to tell his W about what was going on. In fact, he adhered to it better than my W did! (She had a few acts of rebellion leading up to finally moving back to R and piecing.) We remained in limbo with her being very distant, thought mostly transparent, until spring of 2006. In May of 2006 things still could have gone either way. She was saying she wanted to save the MR, but she wasn't really doing any work towards that. She had told some friends of hers (in an email I intercepted through transparency) that though she wanted the MR and she didn't want D, that she still so wanted to pursue an R with the AP. She wanted to want to R but her heart wasn't in it.
By May of 2006 we were still very much in a state of limbo. Our MR had been a SSM, and it wasn't improving post all of the EA stuff. The week before Memorial Day she came down with appendicitis. I was out of town, and when I came home she was laid up on the couch, not feeling well. I said "is it your appendix?" She said her whole abdomen hurt not just the right side. The next morning she couldn't even stand up. So I called my parents, had them come get our D (who was just under 3 at the time), and took her to ER.
Her appendix has pretty much exploded by then, and she was in the hospital for 5 days, surgery the first night, and got pumped full of IV antibiotics for the extent of her stay. I went into nurse mode and did everything for her. Took days off work, even cleaned her up after the bathroom (she was so sore after the laparoscopic surgery that she couldn't do that herself).
My taking such good care of her pushed us over the edge into full blown R. And she was fully committed to the MR and working on R after that. (It should be noted that we didn't really deal with underlying issues and do all the work we should have done which led us 12 years later to where we were at the end of last year).
My point is that this could be an huge opportunity to take your reconciliation to the next level.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
