Affair, no feelings...is there hope? V

[44tries]

Okay I need some advice on a specific situation. W is having surgery in a couple weeks. Not too major, but will render her unable to drive, do her hair, open a jar, etc for 2-4 weeks. So, she has been asking me several times now if I'm sure I'm ready to provide the support she will need. I've assured her it will be fine and I will fill in for the stuff she can't do. Of all people--and I'm sure everyone on the board knows this--I certainly will not have a problem waiting on her, post-op. Since I have spent months cutting back on this type of behavior, it seems this is the reason she is concerned. That I will refuse some request if I feel I'm doing too much. I told her as long as she had appropriate expectations, I'm sure I will be there for whatever she needs. I asked her if she seriously had doubts about that because, frankly, it's a bit absurd. It feels more like she is asking for a hall pass in advance to be a b!tch and treat me like crap (I never would have thought any of those things before I came to this board). But this is the third or so time she had brought it up, so I decided to explore the issue a bit further. I don't remember my exact words, but I think I said something like "what is the real reason you keep worrying about this? because it doesn't make sense for you to be legitimately concerned." Of course she called me out on invalidating her feelings (which is absolutely true but I'm using the WW exception, perhaps incorrectly?) and she wanted nothing to do with me the rest of the night.

This has happened more than once since I started telling her I won't be manipulated or play any silly games. She gets very offended by me implying she is playing games. I don't know if this is all part of the act, if I'm somehow wrong and I'm not applying what I've learned on the board properly, or if she is genuinely hurt by my assumptions. But I would love to hear input, especially from Sandi, about what I should do in these situations.

I am confident the affair stuff is behind us and she is not hiding anything in that regard. We had a brief discussion about a week ago when I saw a text from OM come in on her phone. She didn't know I saw it and I watched carefully to see what she would do. As far as I could tell, she quickly put it away and never responded. Later, she told me it was a random message about a mutual friend and she just deleted it. But it brought up the fact that she is still friends with OM on Facebook and Instagram and I asked if she had considered what I might think about that. She said she had thought about it. But that ultimately there's nothing there and it doesn't matter. She seems to have a habit of discounting my feelings as something that matters.

There is still a lack of intimate connection between us and I think a lot of it is due to this lack of transparency she can't seem to let go of. I don't know why she has such a problem being real. Other times I wonder if that's just the real her.