Yes KML. That is why I struggle with the narcissism. There were some aspects there before, but nothing like now. I know BPD/bipolar aren't the same. Should have written it out differently. I think MLC/BPD (fear of abandonment/promiscuity/drugs, etc.) and the counselor I last saw (a PhD) said she thought it was MLC/BPD/and bipolar II. She said there aren't clear boundaries between these things and people can have parts of different ones of them. She said she thought if 20 psychologists diagnosed him they would come up with different findings). I haven't seen much mania, mostly depression, but I haven't spent a lot of time with him over the last 3 years.
Before the crisis: passive-aggressive (would say he would do things and never do them, would never say what he thought should be done but would complain after), somewhat selfish (but I'm told lots of men are, sorry guys), emotionally shallow but had empathy, and lazy. He had no ambition. Remember he was a non-drinker, a non-smoker, and zealously opposed to these things.
After: zero empathy, entitled, extremely passive-aggressive, controlling, and secretive. Abuses medications, drinks, maybe smokes. But the biggest thing is that he doesn't seem to be able to let me go. I don't think it has anything to do with me, I think it is his fears. The fear of abandonment and the passive-aggressiveness are what he shows me the most.
I don't think a lot of the BPD stuff was there before, but there was definitely push/pull, emotional distancing, and lots of pursuit/distancing behaviors. But all these have ramped up extraordinarily.
I don't think it matters what he is, except that I would like to strategize a way to get out of my situation, and it would help to get a handle on what was really going on with him to know what might work. For example, given his huge fear of abandonment, what if I write to him and tell him that I love him and want him to be happy and am willing to let him go (he always tells me to let him go, not sure what he is looking for to see that I have). I could say that I hope that we will always be friends and always be in each other's lives and I would always be here for him if he ever needed me. Now this would be terrible from a DB point, but I'm past that. It would definitely give him a lot of supply, but does that matter if it causes him to enter an agreement and get out of this, or would that supply be something that he doesn't want to let go of. None of this would be enforceable legally. I'm not doing this so nobody freak out on me, I'm just trying to figure out what the magic combination would be. Just trying to think through how to get him to let go so the kids and I can move on.
I have had my lawyer contact his and try to get to a resolution. I have contacted him myself and asked him to meet with me so we can bang these out. He won't let the lawyers talk and he will not talk to me. He is dragging everything out and nothing is moving forward in any way. Even the little baby steps he takes seem to get him really worked up in advance and he tries to get a reaction from me when he does them. He will not tell me a single term that he wants in the divorce (he won't even acknowledge what the issues are that need to be resolved). My lawyer said she's never seen anything like it. She said he can sit there for 9 more months and do nothing and then dismiss or get multiple continuances. She doesn't even want to start discovery because she doesn't think he will answer and she thinks he won't go through with anything. He doesn't even seem to care about the big tax change at the end of the year that is going to cost him a lot of money. Even though he complains about how much he has to pay me now (and there is a court order that requires him to do so), he isn't doing anything to move the case to a point where the court might require him to pay less.
I know Kyh that your W wanted you to move near her and I haven't seen that with others on the board. Mine has tried that multiple times now, including sending me real estate listings for expensive houses that he promises to buy me if I will. This strikes me as very BPD behavior.
He wants nothing to do with me, won't talk to me, but is stalling the divorce he filed. He seems to have moved in with OW2 but is still on OLD and poking at my profile and messing with my financial accounts that he is able to try to piss me off. He doesn't want to see the kids, but contacts them almost every day. This is so messed up.
