Affair, no feelings...is there hope? V

[44tries]

Who is holding her accountable? You see, when/if the WW makes the decision to end her affair and save her M, it's the H who holds her accountable. So, like several other things, this is completely out of order. As always, she is treating you as if she is your employer. She's just calling it by nicer term.

This is good insight. Is the ideal that we are holding each other accountable?

Do you feel you are back to the place you were when you joined the board (hopefully. minus an A)? B/c what you said in the quote above, sounds very familiar.

I agree there are familiar patterns. I would not say I feel we are back to the place we were when I joined. However, I would like to be farther away from it than we are.

Some issues do take time, especially if it involves healing. However, I think you are stuck in this way of thinking that none of this should be surprising. It should not be an excuse to accept how she treats you.....by saying, "Well, this will take a long time". No, you have allowed her to treat you this way, and she will continue getting worse. People who know right from wrong can change how they treat others, practically overnight. It's healing that takes times. By what your W says, she already knows what is wrong but she doesn't want to hear it. I think she doesn't want to be told that "she" is wrong and needs to act right toward her H. She prefers do continue things as they are, b/c she wants someone to pick on. It should be unacceptable. Unacceptable means that you won't put up with it.......if you stay in this M. As long as she sees you accepting what she dishes out, then she's going to continue the same old stuff. I usually have to remind impatient posters that it takes time, but in your case, I think a lot more should have been done by this point. So, please stop this mindset that this is all going at a normal pace, b/c I'm concerned it is giving you a victim mentality. As long as you were writing how the two of you were getting along better, then I thought maybe some progress was being slowly made. But then when you stopped posting regularly, I became concerned things were sliding.

I'm really glad you touched on how people's behavior can in fact change practically overnight. You are right there are times she wants someone to pick on and there's no excuse for it to be me. I don't think I have a victim mentality, I only just got over the mindset of shouldering the burden of being the "bad guy". Part of the process I describe as being slow is my own healing. It's curious because I thought the healing process would be linear with time, and every day better than the last. But I've been battling my own mind lately as the healing seems to have gone backward. I've had increased resentment and feelings of hurt and I'm not sure why.

As far as getting along better, we are. Most days are good. We just got back from a vacation with another couple that went great. There are still bad moments, but for example the only one I can think of in the past week was the night we came home and it was very late and we were tired, but W had homework to finish. I got fed up with her nagging me about shaking my leg (a bad habit which she hates) and told her to back off. She got pouty and left the room and proceeded to ignore (re punish) me when I later checked up on her and her work progress. This sort of immature dysfunctional communication still prevails in times when she gets hurt or angry. I'm sure I'm not perfect either, but I don't resort to passive aggressive/manipulating tactics. Of course, when she got to a point when she really needed my help with something, she swallowed her pride and we both apologized and that was that.

You are correct that it takes time when people are having to work through issues. However, if the other person has issues that stem from their raising, family of origin, or years of an unhealthy R........then major professional help is usually required. It also takes time when behavior patterns have to be broken and re-trained. Depending on the individual stitch as to how serious and how long it will take. If there was a lot of bad history in the R with betrayal, abuse, deceit, etc..........it takes time for the healing to be compete. And here's the thing, 44. It takes cooperation to do what is necessary to heal, b/c it does take moving forward and it does take the help of a professional to guide the individual or couple through the healing process. Make sense? Yes, you can call her out about bad behavior and disrespect, but if she has deeper issues that is causing her to act like a control freak, then what steps are being made to work through it? If she has some inner demons, it will affect the MR. Therefore, you have a say in it. How is the MR progressing toward a healthy outcome, if nothing is being done toward the issues that got you here? I mean, I don't know if she has demons from her past. She acts like a spoiled brat who likes to bully, but that's just MHO. I've seen nothing from her that suggest she is trying to change or wants to do anything to having a good MR. As young as you are and no longer than you've been M, just trying to endure each day doesn't seem like a lot of progress at this point. And, you are wearing down........which means you are getting a little weaker. You stay stronger when you are in touch with the board, and reading.

I like how you illustrate why her personal issues are my business, in a sense. She has her share of emotional wounds from the past, but it's very difficult for me to assess them or compare them to "average". Interestingly, that is a problem I run into a lot which is that I don't know what to expect. I never know if I'm expecting too much or too little.

Your sentence I highlighted about what we are doing toward the issues that got us here essentially touches the bottom line. I do not feel confident we are away form those issues. Have we made some progress? Some, yes. But it feels like the progress is stalling and we're still so far from the goal. You are certainly right that enduring each day is not a positive place to be. To be fair, I don't feel I am simply enduring each day. Like I said, most days are good. She is still very focused on herself and what I can do to help her rather than the other way around, but I can tell she's trying. (Five months until we move and I can go back to working full-time the same as her). We don't have stormy fights nearly as often, and majority of our interaction is friendly and respectful. My main concern is the lack of passion that landed us here in the first place. We can be great friends, but with that missing piece always an elephant in the room, she will be at risk for repeating an affair and both of us living in an unfulfilled marriage. I'm no longer willing to settle for this.

The good news is, she said she will go to counseling. She just doesn't want to go to military doctors for fear of her career. That's fine with me, but I don't know how to find an alternative until we are back in the states. We had a sort of cathartic conversation the night before we left on our vacation where we were talking about the future and how a separation (as in long distance) will probably be inevitable in a year or two as she begins her program and we consider buying a house somewhere. Having been struggling a lot with my own healing, I could not help but express my concern with this given the way things are going (ie my trust is not restored). She told me she cannot promise me 100% she will want to be with me for the rest of her life. I told her I know she feels that way, but I need to know 100% that what happened (the affair) is never going to happen again. She assured me it would not and I decided it was time to discuss some of my questions and unknowns about the whole thing since it was clearly eating at me. I didn't learn anything game-changing, but some blanks were filled in. I feel I got some closure regarding the whole situation and can really focus on moving past it. She was open and (presumably) honest, and patiently answered whatever I asked. She told me she regretted it and wouldn't do it over again, but I could tell she is holding onto a small amount of justification surrounding her feelings (or lack thereof). She isn't brushing the problems that brought the affair about in the first place under the rug, which is a good thing. But those issues need to be solvable and we haven't gotten there yet.

A part of me wonders if whatever's "missing" for her isn't real commitment itself. Clearly she has always had one foot out and was able to make the choice (or "say screw it" as she says) to be selfish and dishonor whatever commitment she had made prior. When (if ever) will she make that choice to truly make herself vulnerable and get rid of her safety nets? To be honest, it's harder than it sounds and I understand the difficulty. But I think our lack of intimacy could be largely blamed on those issues, which goes back to the inner demon discussion. I just find myself constantly wondering if I'm fighting the current on something that isn't solvable, or if there is a pot of gold on the other side.

Is she still sleeping in the spare bedroom?

No, she has been back in the MBR since July; I need to update my signature. There is no more separation, but obviously we are not past the "not 100% sure I want to be with you forever" stage.