Back Again

[Shrike]

Had a pretty long post that I somehow deleted. Going to just try and summarize. apologies for the punctuation. Dark thoughts going to dark places in my head this evening.

Lots of anger on my way to get kids. Had to just sort of scream it out in the car.

Had an extremely difficult time getting into happy mode trying to ''chit chat'' with her. Backslid a lot on my attitude.

she talked mainly about the kids and trying to help my daughter with homework. i think shes done homework with her only a handful of times in 4 years. said shes cooking for them again.

sometimes it feels like shes db'ing me or mirroring my attitude. definitely seems like she is closing me out more and more over the last 2 weeks. is this just the natural conclusion our relationship was meant to take. Seems like a waste of a decade.

anyway i think she could tell the mood i was in and decided to leave, she said see you later and gave me this really weird look as she left.

feeling like i bombed that conversation and that she is taking tally. more of the same old angry emotionally suppressed me. It bothers me deeply that I cannot hold myself together during these small interactions and that they are really important. May not have many more.

is it normal to flip between so many different emotions so fast. its sadness, anger, disgust, love repeating itself in my head over and over.

with lack of funds and having my 1 year old almost every night, its extremely hard to get any sort of life. i want to take them to sport events or anything really, but the city im in is so spread out it takes forever to get anywhere and he usually has to be in bed around 730-8. Feeling very stuck right now. physically, mentally, emotionally. like a messed up fish bowl limbo.