Husband cheated, left, trying to DB

[BluWave]

I think you might need to start a new thread soon. You are over 100.

I hear what you are saying about the frequent interactions, about him seeing the baby, and about your concerns over making a sudden change. This is really, really hard. And I don't suggest otherwise. It is far easier for me to sit here and give you advice than to be in your shoes and try and take it. I know that. The reason I am giving you advice tho, is because I see you making some of the same mistakes I made. I can see now how it really hindered my progress. I hate to see people draw out the suffering for so long.

When I read your writing, I still see red flags. It is not that you are doing anything wrong. Please don't think that is what I am saying. It is your energy, attitude, and your choice of words that concerns me. I feel that you are walking on eggshells to somehow avoid conflict and that just doesn't work. You seem to want to mind read and find meaning in his actions, and that doesn't work either. Nor does you behaving a certain way to keep him at bay. That is very unhealthy!

There is a difference between putting a wall up and having boundaries. I never once said you should put a wall up and I never said you should be cold to him. You ask can you wait to put up boundaries. Of course you can, you can do whatever you want. People that are healthy and have high self esteem put up boundaries to protect themselves. I suggest you start taking better care of yourself right now. You allow him to be mean to you, whether you realize that or not. You have the right to put your hand up and say, "no, I will not continue this conversation if you talk to me this way." It is also more likely that he (and others) will be attracted to you if you value yourself more. Does that make sense?

In terms of being civil and cordial, I agree. I think you should always be both, and not just to him, but to everyone. That is not what I see happening tho. I see you as trying hard to act nice and to appear detached. And I am telling you right now, he can intuitively see right through that. It is perfectly okay, to create space and healthy boundaries for yourself, without being a doormat and allowing someone to mistreat you. And again, people with a higher self worth understand this naturally. My sitch is different because I never tried to act nice to him, however I did a lot of stonewalling, ignoring or lashing out in the beginning. That was a different kind of mistake. As I learned to DB better, I was more cordial, however I still had boundaries up and did not spend any unnecessary time with him. He did miss me while we were apart, and more so when he saw that I was giving up.

So when did my H know that he had lost me and when did he try and come back. When I finally started to understand all of this stuff and valued myself more. It is an attitude change that cannot be faked and takes time. I want to see you get there too. So it takes you letting go of him (he is already gone) and you starting to respect yourself more than wanting a man like him: detachment will come the more you practice your 180s and GAL. Mostly tho, create some boundaries for yourself and stop allowing him to control your every thought and action. Do not do anything based on how you think he may react. Do you for YOU!

Blu