I dont mind 2*4s at all, they are welcome. I dont really know how to go backwards and all of a sudden put up a wall when I havent had one. I am not at all okay with him having an affair, but I dont think there is anything I can do about that.
I read in your sitch that your husband told you that when you were cordial to him is when he missed you and when you were cold or ignoring him he didnt as much. (I am not quoting verbatim so I am sure thats not completely correct, but that was how I interpreted it.)
I placed the boundary that if he was speaking to any OW he could not live in the home. He refused to show me his phone and so I asked him to leave. I guess I just dont really know how to handle it because it seems like most things say to not focus on the OW, not to bring it up, etc. and so that is what I have been trying to do. I am not at all okay with it, I am devastated by it. But when this all happened in December when I found out about the first OW, we literally went months and months of hot/cold, me flipping out at him randomly, just so I could make sure he knew how much he had hurt me by what he did/was doing, and how I wasnt okay with it. I would randomly bring it up whenever my suspicions went wild.
What Im getting at is I dont feel like I ever got anywhere with him when I made it clear I was constantly angry about OW, and upset by it, and treating him accordingly to that. Do I feel like I get anywhere when Im overly nice? No I dont. But he has been SO angry lately, I felt like I needed to treat him in a way that I wanted to be treated and hoped he would reciprocate. So yesterday morning when he texted about scheduling daughter, I was nice, willing to work with him, and hoiped it would be clear that I was being nice, in hopes that he would reciprocate. I would like for us to be civil for the time being. I will not always be as willing to have small talk with him as I did yesterday, but I felt like it was needed to get us back to a place where he would at least stop looking at me as the enemy.
If you have any suggestions as to how I can move forward I am all ears. I just cannot move on with my life in any fashion if him and I are constantly at odds. That is no way to live, separated or not. I need to wake up everyday and be happy for myself and for my daughter. And if him and I are not civil, it is not a pleasant place to be. I agree, maybe I have not faced my sitch completely. And I am doing things in hopes to get him back, bc I DO what that to be the ultimate outcome. But I have gotten better in stopping thought about him and the OW. I have gotten better in accepting the fact that THIS is what my H is doing. He is seeing someone else and I cannot do anything about it. I will not accept that in a marriage, which is why we are separated and he is not living in our home. I cant really do anything more unless I move forward with divorce filing, which I do not want to do. I have said to him we are to only communicate about daughter, and for the most part thats what we communicate about. He asked yesterday about my family, which was a first and surprised me. I truly am open to ANY actions I can take moving forward to pull back more. I am just trying to be myself and in the scheme of things, with a 6 month old who cannot walk, talk, has just started eating solids, etc, its hard to not communicate, and i dont want to communicate just to come off as cold.
I am all ears though and open and willing to move forward in a direction that could be more helpful to my sitch and my own personal growth.
