Keep DBing even in mediation. You got this man. Dig deep and show her that confident, in control, attractive side. Remember, D is NOT the end, it is a step in the process. Too many LBS hang too much significance on D. We just had a poster comeback after being D'd for a year, and his WAW is trying to R. ANYTHING can happen before or after D.
I just told another poster the other day, D is not worse that BD. It is not worse than the day the WAS moved out. Etc........
If you survived all that then mediation is nothing in comparison. So go in there and OWN it!
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
W 34 Me 42 Married 7 years together 8 0 kids 1 beloved dog BD 4/6/2018 I moved out 4/7/2018 I moved back in alone 8/05/2018 I file 3/06/2019 D official 5/7/2019
I'm getting full custody. It's temporary until she has a permanent house and permanent job, and then we can reconsider 50/50. The snake stuff...the huge emotional mistake...apparently that was a good call, because that plus all of the moving S around sealed the deal to the point where she couldn't do anything but agree that the points were valid. She'll have full visitation with no restrictions on when those times are, however I have the right to say no, and I can choose who S stays with if neither me nor her are available.
She will be paying half of day care costs and also child support.
I keep the car. Car note, too.
I opted not to make her pay half the credit card debt. It wasn't going to make any real impact on anything, anyway, but with CS and the daycare split, that will help a little.
Pretty much everything else is 50/50. Nothing really to argue over.
She did try to get a gag order so I couldn't say anything at all about the D, or her, or parenting choices, but I had to tell the mediator "this is stupid, and it shouldn't even be up for discussion at mediation, because it's not why we're here." The mediator agreed, and she dropped it.
So, before I left the mediation room, her sis txted me something to the effect of "you're a manipulative b*****d and you should kill yourself". I told her sis that I was sorry she felt that way.
What W doesn't realize yet is that I still don't intend to FORCE S to live with me and cut her off. I want her to step up and be the best person she can be for S, and get her life under control. I think she got the message loud and clear. I'm fine with her spending time with S, and I wouldn't try to stop her. But the poor decisions where he's involved are done, and while I will be playing it cool, I retain the authority to cut it all off. I hope I never have to do that.
I'm still going to DB. I'm terrified that I won't be able to do this single dad thing well. But at least I can ensure that better decisions are made where S is concerned, and that's all that really matters.
It sounds like you handled it really well and came away with a huge win in terms of custody.
W 34 Me 42 Married 7 years together 8 0 kids 1 beloved dog BD 4/6/2018 I moved out 4/7/2018 I moved back in alone 8/05/2018 I file 3/06/2019 D official 5/7/2019
What W doesn't realize yet is that I still don't intend to FORCE S to live with me and cut her off. I want her to step up and be the best person she can be for S, and get her life under control. I think she got the message loud and clear. I'm fine with her spending time with S, and I wouldn't try to stop her. But the poor decisions where he's involved are done, and while I will be playing it cool, I retain the authority to cut it all off. I hope I never have to do that.
Can you expand on this a bit? I am not sure what you mean. First, full custody is temporary. This means at some point she is going to come for 50/50 custody. Are you consulting with a custody attorney to make sure you have a legal standing for this?
Also, she has full visitation rights, but you can say no. I assume you mean that through this power of no you will try to control her decision-making. Is that what you are talking about? I assume you are talking about her having him around OM and the snakes. Again, you may want to consult a custody attorney because I am not sure OM having a criminal background (short of child molestation) nor a few reptiles in aquariums give you the "authority to cut it all off".
blackmac, I fear that you are going to try to use custody of your son in order to try to control your STBXW, and to punish her for things you don't like especially in relation to OM. That is not the right approach. Notice, I didn't even say not correct, though it is also not the correct approach if you ever hope to R with her someday. But it is also morally and ethically wrong to use your kids to get back at your WW. I hope I am reading all of this wrong, but it does seem that you are trying to exert control over her through your S.
Finally, I would be ready with a lawyer. I know you said you can't afford one, but I have a feeling, based on your STBXSiL's text message, that this fight is not over. (By the way, I would have advised you NOT to respond to STBXSiL but well done on just validating her in your response.) As she tells people her side of mediation she is going to get a lot of advice to get a lawyer and fight.
Last edited by Steve85; 09/20/1812:27 PM.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
